Good riddance

This was a stressful and long week for me.  I had to be in the same room with Aaron (that's not even his real name) at school and then come home to a stinking place.  What a HORRIBLE experience to endure.

Today I decided to leave my keys to Bernice's apartment and there he was with Sean in the living room.  I said I was dropping off keys and he just said something to Sean in another language and ignored me.  Douchebag.  I fucking hate him.  Why such a strong reaction?  Because his actions make me feel like shit basically.  That's his problem that he's an asshole.

I'm glad to be home.  I will NEVER ever have to see that apartment or him again.  Fuck the mean psycho.

Sigh....after giving it a thought...I know where my own anger and meanness comes from.  It comes from a deep wound of being hurt and avoiding rejection and suffering low self-esteem.

I am going to Vegas with Jenny tomorrow.  We are not on the best terms as of now.  I am making somewhat of an attempt but if I feel like this trip doesn't patch up our friendship or it's not a good fit anymore, then at least I get it over with and get on with my own life.  I'm just going to have a fun time and get a free ride and trip to Vegas.  Jenny is more like a sister who got too close to comfort.

Truth

BB has a pretty bad singing voice.  And I don't mean bad ass either.

He is brilliantly awesome at playing the guitar and would excel as a solo guitarist or as a side musician.  You know me and guitars.... and passionate, hot talented musicians....this shit turns me on.  He is so good that I want him in my bed.

But he really needs a better voice teacher or get some perspective on his singing voice. It's no good at all.  It doesn't have any characteristics and aesthetics of what makes a good singing tone.  He should realize that if he ever wants to start a band and get anywhere with his name, he needs to find an amazing lead singer.  Or just work with singers.  It would be a fantasy for me to transition into this and end up working with him.  I mean, it takes a lifetime (or more) to be really GREAT at ONE thing.

I want to excel and be good at these things:

Hair
Singing
Stylish fashionista
Dancing

Down the road....

Musician, writer, therapist

My voice

I just saw lauryn hill streamed on coachella and uh.... she sounds pretty terrible.  She's obviously been smoking too much pot.  She needs to rest her voice and quit smoking.  It's pretty obvious that is smoking weed that is killing her voice.

I DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE THIS!!!!

How I am going to give up weed?

1) first get out of my terrible living situation
2) only vape while doing that
3) take up singing

Taking up singing is the solution because then it rearranges my life in such a drastic way that I have to be physically healthy.  I should take this up as a serious hobby.  I have every right to do what I want.  I mean, Bryan's music is like hit or miss.  It's too weird for most people.  He is best as a solo guitarist and side musician.  His singing is off putting.  Unclear and muffled and the falsetto sounds are not sexy but sounds like he's trying to be!

Drinking White Zinfandel tonight

I am trying to be sober of weed and I am not loving cheap wine.  It makes me feel sick.

I have had the longest secret crush on Bryan Baker.  I don't get it.  Maybe I should explore where it comes from?  I mean, he actually contacted me and we met up.  Hahahah.  Sigh, I'm so shy!!

I want to improve myself.  I want to sing again, quit pot, take lessons, get good at hair, pass my license and be an AMAZING ROCKSTAR STYLIST.

This weekend

On FRIDAY afternoon I hung out with Kris and met up for dinner with her friends Ed and Anne.  We went to Melrose Ave and I bought a Balenciaga day bag in Anthracite.  Also got a velvet striped blouse from Beckway boutique next door.  We went to Tender Greens for dinner.  Nutritious and delish.

Lunch :In-n-Out

Tea : the afternoon at Royal-T cafe...

Dinner : Tender Greens (grilled veggies and chicken soup)

Purchases: Balenciaga bag, Myne black velvet striped blouse, polaroid photo mirror, small pill case

Drinks later at Cana

Since I managed to disappoint Carlene, I made my way back to DTLA to hang out with her and Jenny.  Jenny took her online test and by the time she was done in an hour, me and carl were faded.  It sucked to go to Cana when we were sleepy.  I'm beginning to feel that Jenny's company is not always that fun.  And she talks like a fobby retard.  

SATURDAY

I managed to miss school and slept in at Carlene's house until 10:30am.  We had lunch at Farm's and the rest of the afternoon was a blur.  I smoked too much on the bong and got a little paranoid and experienced discomfort in my stomach.  Ugh...not fun.  Had to spend the rest of the day napping.

Lunch :  at Farm's (French toast, Cobb salad but the lettuces were so small they got stuck in our teeth,  and some eggs benedict but on a potato, weird)

Dinner : Cork Bar (Carlene ordered a hamburger and sliders, lol)

Night : went to hang with Jenny and Jeff.  The night kind of went wrong and she irritated me.  We both got drunk and then crashed at Jeff's.  Jeff took me back to my car the next morning.  

SUNDAY

Met up with Kris, Janet and her husband Jimmy for Peruvian food at Choza Mama in Old Pasadena.  Then to Intelligentsia Coffee followed by store browsing at H&M and Urban Decay.  Ooh, I want the "I Love Your Style" book by Amanda Brooks I believe.  And the Tiffany black key pendant.  Sigh, it's $275.  But I want it.  I also saw a strawberry Denman brush.  So cute.  And I need a pair of skorts.  

Lunch : Choza Mama (ordered pulled pork and sweet yams).  I wasn't feeling it, too rich.

Dinner : Chicken Caesar salad from that French bakery

I only spent money on food today.  I am going to see Laurie tomorrow and I hope I can pay for the session.....I was so pissed at Kenny on Friday.  Motherfucker who is screwing up my life.  At least I don't have any weed on me anymore.  I'm gonna give this sober thing a go....to just weekends.  

Working on myself and an old fantasy

Once upon a time I had the hots for Bryan.  I think I had him in my thoughts year after year, especially when I think about the years I truly had growing up with music.  You think of the musicians and people that surround you.  I fantasize about having a love affair with Bryan later down the road.  There is a time for things like that.  I think I really believe in the concept of timing.  That is something to explore.

I really want to make myself hot.  Hot on my own terms and how I personally choose to define it.  Being hot to me is like being fresh.  It's staying in tune with my dreams and possibilities and going for my desires without inhibition.  Living it strong and courageously.  It's inventing and reinventing myself in thought and in fashion.  I want to be a good hair stylist and have a personal style that is all my own so people can say that is so Uni! I want to be stylish in terms of fashion, music, film, books and current, modern thought.  Secondly, I want to be an amazing person and friend.  Smart, beautiful, talented, knowledgeable, a good person.  I also want to be a singer.  This is an area I need to get back to completing and exploring.  I can prove that this is the test of what I really want to be good at.  I am 31, not 21.  But, I am already musically talented and have a natural ability for it.  I just need more practice and development with my voice and then confidence will take me the other 50% of the way.

I need to come up with a plan for how to balance these two things.  I started music school when I was 21 and now I'm 31.  I cannot for the life of me, let myself spend another decade accomplishing a life without my involvement in music.  And the next decade is going to rush by twice as fast I won't know where the time is going.  I need a complete overhaul in the way I do things.

Here's what I want for myself:

1)  Exercise and healthy food diet
2) Quit pot
3) Finish school and study hard in all areas.  There are 3 weeks left.  Use this time to treat it as if you were studying for finals. For state board, memorize procedures and read all about cosmetology because it will probably be the last lesson I learn about biology, chemistry, anatomy and disorders.  I want to be as knowledgeable as I can about our human body.  Doing hair is a skill that is overlooked.  Hair comprises the components of "being" the physical human, involves a type of art/technical trade that transforms people while taking care of their grooming needs.
4) Be good at hair.  Really good.
5) Be a really good singer.
6) Maybe be a mother or a therapist.


and....
7) Possibly meet and live happily with the man of my wildest dreams.....

Tiffany's birthday

Today was the first time I hung out with my classmates.  Oddly, it was actually fun smoking pot and hanging out with them.  I hung out with  Tarran, Cara, Tiffany and Justine (still annoying).  I was a fun addition to the party (to the people that matter).  Why?  Because I was cool to do everything.  I picked up Cara and Tiffany, who was drunk by the time we got to her place.  We stopped by JJ Herbal dispensary and then to Coldstone to pick up her birthday cake, a double chocolate ice cream cake called The Midnight Delight.  I also brought a bag of Lay's chips and sour cream dip.  Plus I brought party favors and joints for everyone.  How cool was that?  Pretty darn cool I'd say.

Unfortunately, I had to dismiss my other plans with Carlene and Jenny.  I figure that I already see Jenny consistently and Carlene is just not the most fun company nowadays.  She's really limited and boring to be quite frank.  And she's not the best person to communicate with when it comes to problems.  I don't know if I care THAT much for her company.  There is definitely much cooler company out there for me to explore and find.