Feeling off

Totally feeling down.  I feel even more down when I talk to people who don't get me or aren't intuitive or clued in to my feelings.  Like my mom and Carlene.  When you feel misunderstood or like others can't relate to you, then you start to feel alien and then you want to shut yourself off from others.

I'm trying not to reach for a joint.  Maybe I should pass them out and give them away.

Ughh...today is tough.

Hung out during lunch with Lydia

I am definitely better than I was one year ago.  At least with my current mental state.  The only thing is that I've become a functional pothead and I don't practice singing ever.  It was quite an accomplishment that I'm starting to hang around people.  Being in school and smoking pot has pretty much desensitized my worries.  The only thing I'm struggling with is my overtime schedule but I want to make the best of it.

I had lunch with Lydia and got to know her a little.  She's a little all over the place and very ambitious.  My goal is to not smoke pot today.  I also need to start working out and singing again.  I'm going to try.  If I really need to smoke then I will just pull out my vaporizer.  There really is no need for me to be smoking joints and shit.  Kenny is a fucking idiot sometimes and I can't stand his lack of inner strength and direction.  He just comes off as not having a definite point of view, he's just not very discerning as a person.  Ugh.  He is one person I should stay away from.  Kris too.  Oh my goodness.  What is wrong with the poor girl?  She is all over the place!  Frantic, manic, a mess.  She makes me nervous because she talks at 100 mph and freaks out about everything.  I can't have a conversation with her without getting pissed off.  I thought she was tolerable when I was high but she is difficult even when I'm high.  It's kind of annoying that she thinks with all her thoughts out loud.  She shares her thinking process with everyone and it's a mess.  Not very comfortable.  And she has no manners when she talks like a bratty child.  My god.  I think I need to rearrange my life and have new friends.

I think I invite weird people into my life and I only hang out with people that have problems.  Urgh.  It's like I don't know how to be around normal, typical people.  I need to be around people that are more level headed and grounded.  My friends are a mess.  And I hang around them to distract me.

This weekend

Last night I met up with Jenny with the excitement and hope to hangout with Lydia.  It ended up not happening for whatever reasons that can't be explained.  Bummer.  She did make an attempt to stop by at a late hour but gave up soon and went home.  It just was not a good way to start a friendship or make a good impression.  I was pretty high and tired so I couldn't understand what Lydia was saying when I phoned her.

I drove home drunk because I didn't want to stay over at Jenny's.  Ended up finding a place to park and dozed off for a good hour before driving back home.  Suffered a hangover in the morning.  Picked Emma up to go to Urth Caffe and ran into Tina and her husband.  Weird.  Then got lit and went to Abbot Kinney to window shop.  We went to Von's and Rite Aid after.  I cooked steak and had steamed veggies.  Attempted to print my cutting notes at Kinko's but it didn't happen.  Went home, got lit again and talked to Kris for two long hours.

What a mild Sunday.  Not overly productive though.

Today I just feel insecure

I just feel like I'm not cool enough to be approached by him or something.  Or that he isn't all that interested in chatting with me.  I mean, Beatrice is the cool, stylish Asian here and I think most guys would be more interested in her than me.  That's just how I feel.  I could be wrong but it doesn't matter.

I think in the end, it's back to my priorities and my standing on my own again.

Personal Jesus

Do I have a spiritual discipline?  Do I need one?  I was just listening to Depeche Mode.  I like and admire Lydia and Eric.  They are good people with depth.  They have artistic souls and a real passion for beauty and truth.  I want to be friends with them.  It feels great when people you admire also want to get to know you. It's like you have some cosmic energy that pulls you together.  They seem to know what they want, they are opinionated and really know what makes the real "stuff" of life.

In a way, I really want to get to know and hang with them, but at the same time I'm also a bit scared.  What if they don't like me or I'm not interesting enough?  If they happen to be kind and good people, for what reason would they have to think you are uncool or dislike you IF you have done nothing wrong or nothing intentionally.  Think about it.  You have a good and valid reason to ask to hang with them.  Eric and Lydia, each of them has already invited you out!!  Not one on one....but you should say something.  Get to Lydia first.  Find out when we are going to hang or make the first move.  Maybe invite her out with Jenny since she is in DTLA!!  Besides, Jenny will do anything I want to do! =) Hahahah.  Okay, sounds like a plan!!

So here's the plan:

Saturday - pack for the weekend, shower and get ready!!  Get some weed from Kenny!  Hang with Jenny and invite Lydia
Sun- brunch with Emma, maybe go to Arcadia
Mon- hang with Kris

I'm stoked for such silly reasons.  Am I getting overexcited?  I can't help it.  I've dreamed of having the most amazing relationships with the right people and the right people seem to just ALIGN with me at the moment.  They are both undefined and have potential for something positive.  They are both light acquaintances that I want to get to know them.  One potential female friendship and one potential male friendship.  But since I admire and respect one of the opposite sex things get a little bit complicated.  I think Eric is a sensitive guy.  There is something about him....

Immerse

I want to immerse myself with music and books.  In a way I am quite like my maternal grandpa.  I like meeting people because I get to learn about them and wrap my head around new concepts, thoughts and ways of living. 

My short term crush (after all the straight guys at school) right now is Eric.  I don't even have his last name because we've only spoken a few times.  He invited me to go have a drink with him and his classmates.  Plus he asked me in advance too.  It was not a spur of the moment thing on the same day.  Sigh.  I really didn't pay him much attention at all.  Not even during the time that I was at school.  I was actually being comfortable with myself and not giving a shit about Aaron.  But I started thinking about him later this weekend when I had nothing else to do.  I had time to reflect and get an impression of him.

I find it incredibly sexy that he cooks and is a huge lover of post-punk music.  He is a gentleman.  He likes Otis Redding, Cornelius, Depeche Mode, and he told me about the music festival Lightning in a Bottle. 

Anyways, fuck Aaron.  I am going to be more productive and not smoke again.

Listening to Shuggie Otis

Honestly.... I am really curious about Eric now.  He has no facebook and I don't know his last name.  I have a good impression of him thus far.  I'm usually not that bad with character judgment.  He did invite me to join his classmates for a drink at a bar.  That was a friendly gesture.  Should I take it as a sign of something more?  Then Lindsey invited me to her birthday dinner.  I don't really know her either so I wonder if she is that casual or does she just want to get to know me?

I don't know what to think about anymore.  Daydreaming is fun.  The purpose is just to let the mind wander and dream up things.  LOL.  I need to get my head out of my arse!

Daydreaming.... and living with a ghost

I am daydreaming and thinking through music listening.  I started to think about Eric.  I don't know a thing about him except that he is from Philadelphia and that he used to be a kitchen chef.  He is a music lover and he is really nice.  I think he has some kind of family connection to Traci Sakosits.  At least that's what I was told because he appeared at the Sunset theater to watch the Vidal Sassoon documentary.  We both like Shuggie Otis and soul music.  He said that he likes Otis Redding.  That just leaves a sweet impression of him.  I guess it's nice to daydream about someone else, someone that is a good person.  I have a good feeling about him as a person.  He's someone I wouldn't mind getting to know.  I'm only spending time on people that I believe are worth spending my time with.

Home life with the roomie is still strange but becoming more routine.  He is seriously not a pleasant person to deal with.  He is definitely someone I would be wasting my time with.  He is really weird.  He is starting to give me the creeps as a person.  His identity is bizarre.  I don't think he can get far with his personality.  He will need to keep his private life very separate from his professional life.  Because he is seriously odd.  I just don't like his energy, aura, presence, mood, personality?  I was right from the start.  I don't like him.  Never did from my impression and it wasn't worth giving him a chance.  I'm just too cool of a person and he's out of my league by thousands of miles.  Where I stand and where he stand, there's abso-fuckin-lutely no fucking chance.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  He ain't shit.  He is a piece of shit with a piece of shit mind and heart.  Well he is mentally ill.  Is it fair for me to hate someone who has some kind of mental illness?  In a way, I'd say it's partially fair.  One, because the roomie is aware of his problem and his effect on others.  And he doesn't want to do anything about it.  He is not open to it and he has neither the capacity.  He has a black heart and he's killing himself by smoking a pack a day whatever else he does, like previously cutting himself.  And he won't take a realistic view of himself because he is prideful.  Wow.  Just wow.  I guess I've learned the limits of some people.  I don't regret giving him my BIG TWO CENTS.  I think someone had to do it and I don't care if I was being self-righteous and preaching about it.  I laid everything straight out to him and gave him the opportunity to do something about it.  He probably took it very hard because he is immature and had a crush on me.  He was very rude and manipulative.  I stood up for myself and told him I'm not putting up with his shit.  But in a strong confrontational email.  He lost, but in his mind he won because he decided not to respond.  By not responding he basically communicated that he did not care for the most part.  There was no apology.  After that we ceased communication, and he did consider acknowledging my presence (but now instead of hello, it's like a mumbly "mmm hi").

While living with him I can't look at him in the eye anymore.  That's how repulsive I now find him.  Maybe that is too strong of a word.  I think my frustration and eventual dislike of him has turned to voluntary indifference.  I'm not going to initiate talking to him or greeting him.  I don't need to.  I have to say that even when he is being his euphoric happy self, he ultimately creeps me out because his voice gets so high it's completely out of character.  He's a skinny, scrawny thin man.  Seriously unattractive and weird.  Not even worth sticking around to learn about hair from him.  Simply because it would be annoying to deal with.

I'd rather be self-motivated to learn it all on my own and from other people I admire.  This allows me to push myself.

Strength, courage and wisdom....inside me

So I'm back in Santa Monica from two nights of drinking in DTLA =/  That's what life is like when you have a friend like Jenny.  Hahah.  But that's alright, as long as I have her as my friend my social life will not dwindle.  So last night we went to Bottega Louie for dinner followed by Library Bar to Far Bar to Max Karoake.  Lol.  I passed out on on Jenny's bed and snored like a man while all her buddies just laughed at me and drew on my face!!

Today was our recovery day.  Jenny made me kimchi tofu soup before bedtime followed by oatmeal in the morning.  She really is like my wifey.  I'm lucky to have her around.  We act like old friends and it's endearing when our other friends see us together.  She's not an easy person to be around.  But it can be worth the friendship to put up with it because then you have a friend for life.

Anyhow, we went back to Bottega Louie for their Modena and Mache salad.  We found parking right in front of it in the rain!  Awesome.  That place is always filled and happening.  Then we went to Urth Cafe and I ordered my green tea latte.  After that we went to the Korean supermarket.  I got Shiseido Tsubaki shampoo and conditioner, oranges, seawood, kimchi and yakult.

My life is seriously happening right now.  The present moment with the seconds going by.  The seconds that roll by are like a video camera archiving/documenting our lives, but our life can only be played once.  The "moment-ness" is a very awesome concept.  It is essentially our life and what we tackle each day of its moments, glory and sadness.  Our routine is what dulls our very own existence.  Does anyone think of their life this way?  Am I fortunate to afford this kind of thinking?  The fortunate ones may see this but yet a lot never do.  My own strength is my intuition, awareness and realization of things.  I see what is happening and I seek mostly truth and beauty and meaning in my life.  I love beauty, art and music.  I am especially interested in how all this ties in to the human condition.  People interest me and they in turn give me a reflection of what I see in myself.  I feel that these are things that make my life beautiful.  I only want to fill my life with this.  There is an overabundance of it and it is my desire to seek it's riches and live fully the way I see fit.

Reflection is a wonderful thing.  I like to reflect.  I have a desire to liberate myself.  I want to be liberated and anxiety free.  Does anxiety have a role in shaping our very lives?  I think very much so.  Is a good dosage of it necessary for us to keep on?  Is it a stressor that fuels us?  Well I learned about Eu-stress and Distress.

Psychology, the mind and body connection.
Music, American roots, the new, the old, throw in some experimental and style
SINGing....   this is amazing when someone can touch you.  Like they are your friend and they are saying something truly meaningful to help all of us.  They are the voices that sing for us.  I need to sing for others.  Maybe there are others that can be reached for a moment.  After all, the seconds that we don't speak....the seconds we use to breathe, listen and ponder are just as much of the stuff that make up life.

I want to sing and meet more people.  People I like and hopefully fewer people that I dislike! =)


Fashion, minimalist, sensual, non-comformist, a little edgy rock-hippie attitude, and reinventing the self
Hair, make others look awesome and understand as much as I can about hair to create a total look for others.  Make them sexier and make them look better!  Because makeovers are tha BOMB.  Plus, essentially all the small things are what make up the big important things...the stuff of life.  I think a smart, successful guy can understand this especially if he is the one making the money and success but not by means of creativity but by the fundamental and necessary skill to survive and make money.  After all, survival is what everyone is after first.  When you are fortunate enough to go beyond survival mode, then you have the luxury to advance human thought in stages where you become abstract, conceptual and philosophical.

People and their differences - culture, sociology, history, life stories.

Figure out myself.  I think I have a point of view as an artist.  I have my own take of life and I want to say something and express my emotional vulnerability, strength through song and through my emotional spirit that is uniquely.  I choose voice as the artistic medium.  But I want my sound to be a beautiful and great one that is sincere, honest, soulful, sensual and has a rock attitude and sensitivity that is subtle and can be loud as well.  I want to find out the artist that I am.  That is what I want.  I'm going to work hard for this.

I think that anything art related I pursue will be the fabric of life for me.  The process and the search are the pieces that will uniquely make me who I am.  The experiences and the desire to search for meaning in everything requires not just someone great and smart....it requires a beautiful, compassionate soul and a beautiful personality.  I'm going to step up.  My new career will take me to more places that I've ever imagined.  I think this new path may be interesting.  I love my new optimism.  I love that it is year 2011.

The world is alive and I need to feel my part in it.




 

Tried, but missed class today...

Wow, I must moderate my drinking nowadays because I can't hang.  I need to take care of myself and know my limits.  I can definitely smoke pot which is a lot better.

My appetite has been greatly diminished.  I ordered breakfast a little before noon but it's now 2pm and I've only had OJ and some leftover bites of chicken tikka masala.  Anyways....

I've been thinking about hair as a profession and I think I'm gonna do it.  I want to study the shit out of hair while I can.  I want to be like Debz.  She knows everything about color and she's marketing and working for herself.  It's really awesome.  It works because she's bubbly and chatty when she's in the bar.  I think this profession will help get me out of my shell.  I need to first work hard and feel confident in my abilities.  After that I think I have a cool, winning personality to go far.  Yeah!!  And I'll make lots of friends and meet all kinds of people, difficult and rewarding.  But if I can understand difficult people it may help my next career choice which is to be a family therapist, LMF.  I know that my life just took a new course, but I think Laurie is right that things will get easier when you start to want to help yourself.  This means that I'm at a MUCH better place than I was one year ago.  I wasn't doing anything.  So much can happen in one year.  So little can happen in one year too.  It depends on you and where you are at in your life.  I'm watching the Shipping News with Kevin Spacey.  He is an unaccomplished man who hasn't done much with his life.  After his estranged crazy wife dies, he has to start and pick up the pieces because he never really lived for himself.  When his aunt arrives at this door (seriously incoherent parts to the movie flow), she suggests that he move to Newfoundland.  It's a small populated town much more suitable for Spacey's growth because it takes you to a simpler time where the odd, isolated, and outcasted can thrive.  It's like saying that he needs to be in a smaller pond.

I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious since I've got the entire weekend to relax and catch up on my hair cutting notes.  I guess I'm not proud of missing class today.  That is $150 gone to the school and possibly another $150 to make up another day.  Fuck.  Not good.  I feel like I'm  fined for traffic tickets or something.

I have Saturday, Sunday and Monday to organize my hair cutting notes.  That is all I'm responsible for :)  Yay!!!

I guess I feel like I should be spending time with Jenny, or I could get to know Lindsey during her birthday party or even Eric.  Yesterday was actually kinda fun.  I gave a haircut for Yalena's model.  It was a beautiful one length bob.  It was fantastic to work with Leo and I enjoyed the blow drying process.  I talked to Adrian, Eric, Debz and Lindsey invited me to her birthday party.  Even better is that Aaron observed me interacting with Adrian, Eric and Lindsey.  I'm sure he saw me assisting for Leo giving Debz a haircut.  Let's just say that I enjoyed talking to these people.  Aaron was socially and conversationally weird lol.  I can't help feeling that he is uncool.  He probably viewed me as being a cool person.  All in all, yesterday was lived to the fullest!!  And after school I had a drink with Adrian and Debz and joined Jenny, Jeff and two others for Korean BBQ at Honey Pig.  We tried getting into La Descargo but went back to DTLA and checked out Cana and Broadway bar.  TONS of drinking!

So now I'm paying $150 for it.  Whatever, don't sweat it anymore.   And don't shame yourself as you naturally would.  Just enjoy your weekend to yourself and take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!

You don't have to hangout with anyone this weekend but yourself if that's what you want.  Enjoy your time!

Just recover first.

Moving on and doing my own thing

I've basically taken over the apartment and fully utilized the space while Aaron stays confined in his room.  It wasn't my choice but I get a ton of freedom and I stood up for myself and what I believe to be right and good.

In a nutshell, he wasn't far off from the impression I first had of him.  He was shy, weird, uncommunicative and odd looking.  I soon discovered that he had a private agenda and was a manipulative person.  The voice he speaks in both aurally and in his head is kinda sick and perverse.

I can point out from head-to-toe what is unappealing about him.

1)  He has thin hair (probably from smoking more than a pack a day).
2)  He has an odd head shape.  The top of kind of pointy and the sides are wide and a flat head.  Maybe he just has a bad head and that's the problem with him.
3)  His eyes are harsh and he wears a constant frown on his face.
4)  His mouth/lips are thick and too big in proportion to the rest of his face.
5)  Poor profile : Scrawny, poor hunched over posture, short
6)  Walks like a impatient crazy person, yet distinctly fussy Asian with no grace and refined manners
7) Weird hands and feet
8) Chain smoker
9) Has the ugliest accent both in English and Mandarin
10) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.  Need I say more?  One minute he is euphoric and his voice gets so high pitch you think he is gay.  The next minute his voice is so low it's down in the dungeon.  He said he had a mental illness.  Plus he is SO RUDE to me and Emma.
11) Has the scariest girl laugh where he holds back a natural release, and forces the laugh in a high pitched whisper.   But since he's male he sounds like he spent some time in the loony hospital.
12) Impatient tone of voice all the time.  It vacillates between that and the girly, nasal euphoric cheerleader.
13)  Bosses people around and inflexible.  Things can only work if you let him be.  You have to be willing to adapt to him.
14)  Uncommunicative, emotionally immature, emotionally unbalanced and unmanaged

The only thing he has going for him are his goals in the hair industry and his desire to become a trainer.  Otherwise he is a very sick person that needs help.

Just about the longest day

We had class today at 10:30 but I decided not to go because I wanted to work on completing my head sheets.  Unfortunately I'm only 50% done!  This stuff takes up soo much time! :(

If I don't go to class tomorrow it will be another 150....that's $300 total to basically show up for state board.  Snooze.  I wonder if I can just do my own thing.  Maybe.

All I did today was have a fried egg sandwich, oj, ice cream and water.  I went to Staples and Printland to make copies of head sheets.  Then smoked all day and listened to music.  To be honest, I really didn't start working until after lunch around 1pm.  It's 12:54am and I need to call it a night so that I can wake up early for school manana~

The battle of who could care less

I have five (5 day) weeks and two days left until I complete my 1600 hours.

I really despise the person that my roommate is.  I hate where he is in his life and his illness.  I also hate the fact that I can't utilize him for my hair studies.  Fuck.  It means that I've got to do it all on my own.  When we were friends he gave me impression that he was going to help me.  But shit happened, he held back and became rude to me and I ended up hating him and rejecting his advances.  I just hate how fucking immature he is.  That is who he is.  I can only change my reaction and not give a shit anymore.  He is ugly to look at and ugly to listen to.  And ugly to deal with.  Highly sensitive and intuitive people will get creeped out by him.  That is me and Emma.

I shall live as if he doesn't exist.

Force your mind to concentrate and learn.  Please do it Uni.  See if you can do it without the help of antidepressants.  Or just take it...fuck it.  Take it for the next 5 months to get off this slump.

I said some powerful shit to him.  I asked him if he had a moment to talk and he didn't text me back.

"You really need to take care of yourself and I'm not catering to you anymore."  I told him if he wanted a lasting friendship with me he has to respectfully earn it.

Make a decision right now!!!!!!!!!!!

1) I do not want this person in my life
2) There is nothing to gain from him (except for his ugly, moody frowns and his ugly everything)
3) Get off the pot so you can get more shit done
4) Start breaking the pattern of dwelling on how much you can't stand him.  Just do something else.  Focus on hair.

When you graduate and you are out of here, delete him off Facebook.

What I did by staying in SM late Sunday night and Monday

So....have I been productive?

When I got home last night Aaron wasn't home.  (I spent a movie afternoon with Kenny and smoked a joint in the parking lot.  I also picked up the new dmv license registration card.)

This morning I woke up around 9am (it's daylight savings spring one hour forward).

I cleaned the apartment (hardwood floors, carpets, and family room and cleaned the bathroom shower, tub as well as bleaching the kitchen sink).  I also did 3 loads of laundry including my bedding, dropped my clothes at the dry cleaner's and picked up lunch at Santa Monica Seafood.

I am now going to spend the early evening until bedtime to work on my abc and hair notes.  It's kind of nice to run some errands and then smoke, and then work on your stuff at a relaxed pace until bedtime.  I'll have about 4 hours, which is pretty much all the concentration I could ever have.  Really also spend some time reading the notes.  So a good balance of notes and videos.

Living with Aaron is like being in a bad relationship. Almost like the way my parent's marriage felt over the years.  Now I am in my mother's shoes battling it.  He did like me before and I rejected his advances.  It's because he's a psychotic borderline and I need to be with someone kind, honest, communicative and emotionally mature.  The day at WF he asked me if I still missed him and gave me a hug from behind.  There was something in the beginning but it was brief.  Even I fantasized about what it might be like with him.  I have a tendency to fantasize about what it may be like with someone.  But that is called idealization and I'm sex starved.

I have a microfiber sheet that I have to dry but I'm too lazy to go out to get a quarter to dry it in the machine.  Ugh.  I'd rather not care about what happens to it.  Maybe Aaron (uh if he does his laundry) will dry it for me. LOL.  What a silly thought.  That guy would not do anything nice for you.  Don't expect tiny miracles.  LOL.  Stay very, very very, very, very. very far far far far away from Aaron.  He is pure poison for you right now.  He is going through problems right now that you should stay out of.  It will not benefit you.  He doesn't want to do anything about it right now.

Yes, spend a good amount of self-care and quality time for yourself.  Treat yourself real good.  =)

And don't feel guilty for it.  Buy what you want, eat what you want, rest and give yourself the pampering this entire month while you study.  Study is central, but allow yourself all the pleasures to yourself.

Working towards getting my Sassoon diploma and hair license

There are a TON of things I will work on:

Re-organize my cutting and color notebook
Study ABC cutting manual, head sheets and finger positions
Writing down everything verbatim on ABC dvd (master all 12 cuts)
Same for the Sassoon Contemporary Classics
Study for stateboard (read cosmo book on hair, color and chemicals)
Watch and collect Sassoon collection dvds
Assist for instructors
Work with Emma when we are placed together

Get competitive with Aaron.  He graduates in September.  My expected graduation date is April 20.  Today is March 12 leaving me with 27 days left starting next Tuesday. I have a 3-day weekend.  Although I'd like to go to Florida, I think my mind is more focused on learning about hair for the next month.  I never thought that I'd concern myself with something else other than singing but it happened.  If I get my diploma by the 20th, I will treat myself to a one week trip to Florida.

For the month of May, there is a possibility that I could go to Taipei and learn everything about hair from the very, very best.  I plan on learning at an accelerated pace and becoming pro.

Aaron smells weird.  Looks weird. Sounds and talks weird. Physically slouchy and scrawny.  Walks weird and kind of sissy and useless for a straight male.  He has an off putting personality that has borderline traits.  I don't see him as a stylish person but just a technically strong cutter who likes to play with scissors.  He's socially weird too so I can't see high end customers liking him.  He has neither the social etiquette or charm.  I definitely have potential to be more prestigious than him.

Now I gotta live through this

I think I'm depressed.  Therapy isn't really helping, my living situation sucks because I live with a ghost, my father and I have a strange distant relationship, I have few friends, and no partner and I feel my face and body aging.

Also, my hair cutting skills are very mediocre and I don't think I understand the concepts very well.  Tina and Sally aren't very friendly.  They are ultra judgmental but that could be my projection of them.  Whatever.  I didn't come to Sassoon to be like cutthroat Justin.  And I'm not ultra competitive like Aaron.  But maybe I should be!  Maybe I oughta study the SHIT out of my ABC manual.

I have Thursday and Friday to review some material.  I think I'll do it to gain a better understanding of cut and color.  Let's do it.

Made it through Soiree

What has happened to American Idol.  It's become so commercialized, karaoke-like and only perpetuates the recording studio crap sound.  Ugh.  This makes me want to be an even better singer than ever.  Honestly, I just want to keep singing and I like the aesthetic sound that Jeremy has.  I think it would be a bit extreme to suddenly move to Florida and make a decision of studying there for a year.  That is no longer possible and I must get over it.  I had my chance when I had it and I blew it.  Not intentionally of course but because I wasn't emotionally strong and stable.

So I completed Soiree day.  Big pat on the back for getting thus far.  But the day left me feeling sad.  I didn't have family or friends to see me graduate from Sassoon.  The only person I could come home to was my roommate who I don't even get that along with.  How sad is that?  Plus I think it also makes me feel sad about having a relationship with Irv.  He was often absent-minded and too busy to remember things about me, especially dates and events important to me.  He can't be bothered with things like this.

I sincerely cannot get along with Aaron.  If there was one thing I'd like to get from him it's his knowledge of hair.  But everything else about him annoys the shit out of me and I can't bother with his borderline personality behavior.  The BPD is already a huge negative.  Plus on top of that he has no physical looks and health.  Definitely the last person you'd want to get romantically connected to.  You can't at all because mentally he is sick.  He knows he has a mental illness.

Getting older is a bit depressing.  I had to say it.  But trying to live optimistically is difficult.

I'm just tired now and I think it's the fucking indica.  I was nice to my hair model because I bought him clothes from H&M for Soiree and gave him a free haircut.  I really just needed to get through to graduation.  He really had bad hygiene and he's a bit weird/dorky.  But I think he could tell I was a nice person and he even offered to hangout cuz he knew I had no family that came to visit me.  Anyways, he says that I remind him of his best friend's mom.

Our group had a good soiree.  I'll miss the girls a lot.  One part of me is depressed and hopeful and yet unsure of where to head at this point.

I think that I will just study hard from now on, for at least another month.  Don't rely on other people.  Just gain what you can from the current abc manual and dvd.  Maybe Emma can help you a ton.

Soiree week

I got through day one of prepping on week 44, our graduation week.  I'm listening to Nicole Atkins and slightly high with an achy jaw and headache.  Today was a bit stressful because I really didn't feel like partaking our soiree.  At least I got a hair model with the help of Lexi.  I felt inadequate with my scissor over comb but Lexi's friend was pretty cool about it.  West, he was just a gay male version of Lexi.

Before I go to sleep I should think of something cool to do for color on West's hair.  After that, all I have to concern myself with for Wednesday is my outfit and doing the finishing touches on West, his makeup and wardrobe.  What a character.  It will actually be fun.  I should at least try to enjoy this.  Maybe even be a little high! :)  Nah.  I can do this sober and really take all of it in.  Smile Uni.

I really do get distracted often.  If not with shopping and music, then with other people and their problems. Like right now, I am thinking about Aaron and wondering whether he has borderline personality disorder BPD.  Soiree is in two days so first things are first.  Deal with other worries later.

Think about what you'd like to do for color.  Look at the color dvd on men's comb on color and possibly some unique color sections on the internet.

Realizations

Not everyone can be helped or wants to get help.  Sometimes minding your own business and focusing on self-care is better.

Learn to observe others and figure out what kind of people you want around you.  Invite only good energy and rid of those that poison you.  He is the type of person that will not change for anyone.  He is selfish, uncommunicative, inflexible, and uncaring if you don't comply with him. He has malicious thoughts of others and is competitive.  Things must go according to him and that is the only way he will treat his friends adoringly.  But it must go his way.  He has a horrible grudge and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. It's not healthy or worth bothering with him.  There are so many people out there that love you for who you are and would like to be your friend.  You know this person or being will just be a cloudy thought with the passing of time.  So quit shaming yourself and know that you will get through this.  All you seem to want right now is for someone to care and show concern.  Support and encouragement is what you need.  But he has proven and showed you that he simply does not have a care in his heart.  He does not care.  That is the reality of it.  You don't want or need to win his support or friendship because you have the heart of a real winner.  He has an ugly soul.  I believe in karma and I think he deserves everything that is him today.  He's scrawny, unattractive and odd looking and there is nothing appealing about his mannerisms or personality.  He gives for the wrong reasons.  He gives to fill his void of being an empty soul that needs love.  But only to those that let him be a child.  He may never have the capacity to improve but at least he is aware of what he is doing.

You are magnetic, charming and endearing.  You are lucky and deserving too because fortunately, the friends around you want to help you and they do care.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!

School, then getting high pretty much

What's stressing me out:

1)  I can't seem to dig up enough visuals for my inspiration board.  I simply don't have the energy and time for this.  Urgh.

2)  Well I have Wes, Lexi's friend as my hair model to think about.  I want to review my ABC manual this week and look at the trident video.  I have to do the headsheet as well.

3)  Things are awkward between me and my roommate.  What do I say to him now?

Hey Aaron,

May I say something?  I want you to know that it didn't feel good for me to say some of the things I wrote you.  If it came off sounding harsh it was probably because in that moment I overreacted.