Okay... so I really need to think about my hair education at this point.  I graduated from Sassoon Academy and got my hair license.  That already distinguishes me from others.  Now I need to study the ABC course and watch all the Nick Ed videos and practice the shit out of this on dollheads. Also, I want to learn hairdressing techniques from Tigi and Toni & Guy.

This is basically all I have time for in my life:

Singing
Music (theory and styles)
Guitar
Haircutting/hairstyling
Fashion/film (for inspiration)
*Developing inner strength and overcoming social and performance anxiety and understanding myself.


Add to that a general understanding of my social world and I think I will be fine.  :-)

*I may not have graduated as premiere student and there may not be sassoon jobs for me in ny or la, but there is a new promise with the opening of sean donaldson's salon.  The only awkward thing is that he opened the door while I was in the bathroom.  He won't forget that.

But who knew that I would somehow find my way a little later in life?  People stop living after a certain age.  That's where I am going to be the most productive during important active years.  I just need to fight my general malaise.  My depression.

THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE that we're talking about!!

YOU LIVE FOR YOU AND FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

Here's my dream

I move to Miami and study voice with Jeremy.

I learn acoustic guitar with someone amazing at U of Miami.

I learn hair at Sean Donaldson salon or some cutting edge salon and make friends with those that have the power to hook me up hugely in the entertainment and music industry.

I meet a ton of musicians and friends.  When I'm in LA, I jam with Tarran, Lydia and Miko.  Bryan wants to help me tremendously.  Everyone is drawn to my voice and expression that I have a team of supporters and songwriters to co-write with.

You have to take care of yourself, Uni.  You have so much to live for.............

socially alienated

I have had a few friendships dissolve over the years.  Amy, Jenny, Cody and now Kris and Kenny.  The first two I really don't care for.  I was never comfortable around Amy.  And Jenny was always a bitch who projected her insecurities onto others.  She was a freeloader and she was weighing me down.  She was a pain in the ass on our trip to Vegas.  Jeff knew that too.

Cody....he is just an embarrassing goofball.  I can't hang with him when he drinks.  I can't be around him when he has a temper.  It's a total turnoff and I don't have the tolerance to stick around for it.  Still, I think I should wish him well for his soiree.

Kris...I don't think there is much I can do at this point except to just apologize for being critical and mean.  And maybe explain why.  I'm going through a transitory phase of trying to clean up and create a life for myself.  I would appreciate it if you could be more encouraging and supportive.  I don't have room for negative energy in my life.  I will no longer try to push you to do anything, but I would like you to push me to succeed.  That's what I need right now.  People to push me in the right direction.  Your energy drains me.  I need light, optimism and positivity.  It's a crucial because I'm depressed.

Time really is the monster

I'm not going to waste my time anymore.  Everything I do has to have meaning from now on.

BB is still who he is....

...which is a snob and being aloof.  there isn't enough warmth, he isn't personable.  I NEED that in a guy.  cody doesn't like him.  i mean, i had anxiety being around him.  that's not a good sign.  it's kind of like the feeling that my dad was never really available for me, emotionally... that was when he was self absorbed in his own shit.  the few times he was around, he did care but he did it in such an authoritative and softmanner that made it cold.  bb is basically cold and sinister.  that is his altar ego.  but that stems from some kind of insecurity or inferiority complex.  what is it?  i should ask him more about him....that is if i ever talk to him again.  i definitely won't be the one reaching.  i won't ask him for any guitar questions.  he wasn't interested in responding to my last message, what the fuck.  he's got a girlfriend or some thang he found only in a couple weeks.  i'm not impressed and i'm not an insecure girl that falls for that kind of shit. i'm so much better than that.  i have way much more appeal and a lot more to give.  his singing is kind of terrifying.  weird and you can't understand what he's saying.  he's good at expressing anguish, sensuality and sexuality, angst, and a very soft vulnerability.  so soft that you know he's got issues.  he's the insecure one.  that is his developmental tendency.  which brings me to question, at what age does our personality, tempermanent and tendencies form?  we have dispositions, we may just be fated for certain things.  but have some effect, power over it, even by manipulation.  btw, him trying to be sexy is weird.  having so much testosterone and masculiness in today's modern world is kind of different.  so sexual and angry.....sexually angry?  there is definite talent to be recognized, but in the guitar playing.  not the singing or his appeal as an individual or person.  he is impersonal and souless because his emotioins are either dark angry or very vulnerable.

we are still who we are.....when we knew each other.  was it awkward?  it was a little....

some friends take awhile for you to get to know....some you have to be kind with.  i will just be a "friend."

kevin was discussing about what makes a great voice...he thinks it's the combination of both sad and happy that is in there.  you need a good soul to be a singer.  i think that is what it is.  even though with amy winhouse she was a lost soul, but still good at heart.

when i get an impression of bryan...the first one is a guy that doesn't look like he has money or comes from privilege or a family of class.  he is insecure about that.  we are from different worlds.  we don't know each other that well but we are curious about each other.  there needs to be an honest vulnerability.  he is not a flexible singer or a flexible person.  you have to have that as a singer.  rarely can you be equally good at both.

Take it for what it's worth

Yes....it took forever to finally get a lesson.  Meanwhile, he flirted and while I was in Miami he hooked up with a girl.  Good for him.  I'm getting something out of today and all I have to do is be pleasant, kind, honest and myself.  All I have to do is observe.  He is anxiously waiting for me.  Think of it that way.

Today the goal is to get something from the lesson and tell him my goals.  Maybe even smoke a little hybrid just to relax.  Maybe even mention that we are getting to know each other.  Cuz honestly, no other guy from LAMA (that I know) has invited me out to have coffee other than Tony and some Korean dude.  They all had crushes on me.  So don't get affected by his behavior.  You are the queen, the girl that he's always been curious about.  With the hybrid just two puffs will be enough.

I don't like him

Yeah, BB.  He's a flakey guy and an arrogant, self-absorbed musician that sings with no soul.

Who the hell drags a lesson plan forever and then has the balls to flirt with you.  It leaves the other person feeling like shit.  It took nearly 3 weeks to plan for lessons and then he tells me that next week is better.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  I am not going to take this crap and wait for him.  I am not going to be a stupid groupie girl and be subservient to him.  He is too much of a manly ass for me to deal with.

down

Yeah...I'm feeling down today.  I don't know if it's because of all the weed that I've been smoking from last night, but I feel pretty let down by Bryan.

I don't think I like him or his personality as I communicate with him more.  He comes across as insincere and selfish.  I told him that he was inspiring and great and he offered to teach me for free.  But then he drags it on and gets flakey so I can't hold him accountable.  It's a favor he's doing for me but it puts me in a subservient position where I have to wait on him and the longer I wait, the less interested I am to hang out with him.  I didn't enjoy communicating with him when we met up last year.  He's serious, aloof and pretentious almost.

Words are all I have to judge you by when I'm getting to know a person.  I can easily forget a person's words and actions, but impressions stay with me for a long time and I rarely forget how a person made me feel.  

He's going to help me come out of my shell....and keep my passion alive......

I got a Martin D-18 this week.  This is serious shit because it means I want something good.

Bryan is going to help me come out of my shell.  Anxiety is the killer of creativity.  I'm inspired by him and his passion, and his fearlessness.  He's my polar opposite and I'm hoping that he could rub some of his energy off on me.  He is actually a kind, polite person, has integrity, extremely talented and hot and passionate.  

I hope he is understanding and accepting of me.  Just be yourself.  

I'm going to tell him my desires.  Tell him that I am going to take over my own life and do what I really want.  He is the one that's gonna help me get to where I want.

I want to sound like an old soul/bluesy singer with amazing pipes.  I want to sing again.  So badly.

Don't harbor so much anxiety dear.  He basically tried to hint to you that he's interested in you.  He thinks you're a beautiful girl.  And he wants to teach you guitar for free.  There is nothing wrong with any of this.  It is actually quite sweet and a beautiful thing that music and goodness brings us together.

He likes you or is interested in getting to know you, and he wants to do something nice for you.  BELIEVE ALL OF THIS........take his word for it.  If he is not what he seems about, then you can worry about that later.  Take everything as it comes.  You'll be fine.  Just be yourself and be honest and kind.

Today is one of my happiest days! My life is about to begin....

The whole Cody thing was not going to work anyway.  He should know that it's nice enough that I even stick around as a friend because he is just this goofy, overexcited guy that gets out of control.  He really likes me I guess.


“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”


Well, I managed to work out an even better situation for myself.  I basically told Bryan that his passion is very inspiring and that I want to reconnect with music and teach myself guitar.  He offered to give me free lessons and said that he rarely turns down the opportunity to teach a beautiful girl.  OMG.  I never realized how attractive confidence could be to others....  


I am gonna make myself one sexy mutha fucker!  Exercise, diet, sing, guitar, hair.  My life is about to begin........

Cody

Does Cody still like me?  I know he's busy in school and it's been kinda established that I just want us to be friends.  I've been thinking about him though.  I'm not going to message him this weekend because he gave me a strange vibe.  After kindly refusing my invite, he "accidently" texted me late that night with the message meant for someone else.  That was awkward and felt intentional to me.  I don't have to do anything this week because I initiated the hangout.  It's his turn if he wants to hangout.  He said he was sorry that things didn't work out that weekend and that he missed me.

He's a dorky, caucasian, older Texan dude.  Smart, goofy, loving, but also nurturing and kind.  There was one moment when I looked at him and thought he had a nice face.  He's a huge electronica head.  I love that about him.  I also love that he's intelligent and worked in radio broadcasting as a producer for Clear Channel.  The downside is that he's on the heavy side and much older.  He may be good for me though.  I just don't know what I feel or what I want with him.  Cody Sekaly.  Uni Hsu.  My name is actually cute on print.  Sigh....  I really don't know what I want, but I'm tempted to give him a chance.  He turns 40 this year.  It just so happens that we went to school together.  It's just too random.....

I mean....shouldn't he be meeting women in their mid 30s......or other appropriate girls that he would date?  Shouldn't I be doing the same?  But there's no one and I'm not searching at the moment.

Striving for my best self

I don't know if I am projecting today because when I'm at the Music Center, the staff and people make me feel like a loser.  I can't stand the mainland Chinese guy there, I can't stand Aileen's nervous smiling face and yet unfriendliness.  I'm not making a point to initiate anymore discussion because she is not showing any interest in getting to know me or catching up.  It is rude and she has a problem.  Same with Sam Hooper.  He is just so darn forthcoming blunt.  Next time I am not talking at all or disclosing anything.  I may have to find another place to study at.  There I said it.   Those people suck.  I think I should just go to someone else.  He barely showed any interest in helping me progress.  If the second lesson doesn't go well then I'm going to quit.  FUCK THEM.

In other areas, I'm going to be consistent everyday with my goals.  

1) Wake up earlier

2) Go to gym and train with Russ 3x a week:  M W F

3) Go running with Janet once a week.  Take a dance class once a week.  T Th

4) Practice singing to JS (before noon then lunch)

5) Guitar practice

6) Keyboard practice

7) Stateboard & Nick Education

I went to Best Buy and bought an ipod nano and Bose IE2 ear phones to work out to.  The total came out to $254.60.  Boy, I don't even flinch nowadays with money.  Not sure that's a good thing.  Tomorrow, I've got my heart set on a Martin D-18.  Eeek!

What I am doing now

I went to the gym and had a 1-hour workout.  It was tiring because I later realized that it was my first day period.  Also, I was a little bothered because Russ does get involved with his clients interpersonally.  At the end of our session he introduced me to his other client who is a hair stylist.  She was not very friendly even though I introduced myself and told her how Russ mentioned that she is his most fit client.  She didn't even try to talk to me or anything.  She was dressed in regular clothes and it looked like they were about to have lunch together.  I dunno what the heck happened.  I saw her checking out my hair and I don't think she liked the way I comfortably interacted around Russell.  Whatever, that was weird.  I am not responding to any of Russell's texts anymore if it has nothing to do with scheduling or time conflicts.  I'm just going to concentrate on my workouts and focus.  Less clowning around because I don't think he's interested.  Maybe he likes white girls.  Who cares?  But next time he gives me a medicine ball I'll think of bashing it into his face, his client's face or Jenny the freeloader bitch.

At least I practiced singing to JS' tape lesson.

Then I signed up for my first guitar lesson with Sam Hooper.  Tomorrow I'll exercise, play keys (if I feel well) sing, and mess with the guitar.

Music purchases:

My $14 trial lesson
Otis Redding
Primal Scream

There is a goal to keep in mind.  Every exercise he gives you.  Remember it.  Don't make small talk with him anymore.  Just focus on form and fitness.  If he tries to joke around with you or talk just say you're trying to focus on the exercise.  Men... they are fucking weird.  First he texts me, for what reason I don't know and then sometimes he doesn't respond to my messages.  And then Cody, fucking weird.  Decides to back off on coming out, lies about having stuff to do, and then sends a message to me at 3am to make me jealous or I dunno what.  I don't trust men and I'm done with them.  How many sessions do I have left?  Basically, I'm just going to finish and then move to Miami and find a new trainer.  Or, I'll find a new trainer at LA Fitness, a female so there can be less distraction.  I'm looking for a personal trainer that is serious and where there is a good boundary of social interaction.  No physical contact.

I'm fortunate lately

I'm fortunate that I found a friend in Cody and Linda.  Los Angeles can be so darn cold full of flakey, superficial people.  Right now I am 31.  Cody is right about the clock ticking and a friend will tell you that. He's the brother I never had.  We went hiking today at two different trails in Malibu and then had seafood dinner with wine.

My decision to move to Miami, Florida has much to do with my desire to pursue singing and hair.  I am going to work in a salon during the day, take voice lessons in the evening, exercise and spend the rest of my time learning keyboards/electronica.  Sure my weekends may be lonely, but that's what a weed vaporizer is for initially.  Soon after I will make friends and lovers.  This is a chance to really grow up on my own.  Miami is a cheap place to live, great music, great vibe.  Everything is going to be scary but in order for change and growth to occur, the risks must be taken and prepared in advanced.

Memorial Weekend

So....I gathered the courage to invite Lydia and Cody to see Bryan Baker perform (originally at The Viper Room but changed to The Central - S.A.P.C. in Santa Monica).

Turned out awesome.  Each of them wanted to partner up with me musically.  I think I have suddenly become cool to these two people.  It's a great feeling to know that Lydia really likes me and Cody, well, he expressed it.  I didn't really get a chance to catch up with BB but he looked exhausted and sweaty anyway.  Besides I was next to Cody and who knows what he thought of the older white guy.  He saw my John Lee Hooker shirt and Cody's Boards of Canada shirt.  Cool enough for him to ask us to suggest opening bands for him if we know any.  Yeah, I rocked that weekend!

Lately, my trainer Russ has been giving me a little more attention than I think a trainer would.  Although everything is very, very subtle and only regarding exercise related stuff.  Though he did give me a nickname...Space Cadet.  And then he apologized if it offended me and seemed really worried about it.  He also commented on a photo of mine on FB saying that it was his fave.  And then he texted me to joke about one of his training videos and whether I thought the music was overly dramatic.

I think Kris' friend Win, has some kind of interest towards me but he's in the bay area and Kris would disapprove of it.

So now....  I'm just bored and doing nothing.  I'm going to the gym everyday and I'm going to eat right.  No matter what it takes, I'm going to force myself to eat right.  I think I need a nutritionist.  I will ask for Linda's help.  I think I need her help.

MIAMI or LA??

Okay....  I think the best thing to do is to just take off a month or two and learn singing everyday!!  I can get a part-time job or I can keep working out, sing and study for state board once I get the date.  Meanwhile I can also search for a salon to possibly work at.  It will all be about searching for options.  I can rent someone's place.  But stay at a hotel for two days.

Maybe it's better to do this after state board and getting my license.

Right now I am going to quit smoking pot and sing everyday.  Workout and study very hard for state board.

Sigh.  Seriously, I am having a lot of anxiety over deciding what to do.  Both make me nervous.  It's time to make a list of pros and cons.

MIAMI

PROS:
-I get to train with Jeremy and develop my voice potential
-I get to work with lots of long hair and ethnic hair

CONS:
-I don't know a soul there
-I don't develop clientele there


LOS ANGELES

PROS:
-I develop my career and clientele in my home based town

CONS
-I will never be able to go once I start here.....at least for 2 years.

Commitments for myself

Hanging out with Kenny pisses me off.  I just want to bully and criticize him for the way he is.  He is kind and soft spoken but he is also dumb, boring, unattractive, and a loser.  Stop hanging with this dude.  Just tell him to wire your shit to you.  Fuck, I have to make cookies for Carlene and it's annoying.  Fucking crazy bitch.  

Emma's soiree

It was really amazing. So good. I think everyone in there is going to be successful. Beatrice, Emma, Ginger, John Carlos...these are the memorable ones. I can't help envying Beatrice because she is a pretty girl, stylish, intelligent with talents in journalism, fashion and hair. I am inspired to be a fashionista in my own way.

But where I believe I truly shine is an area that I need to explore, nurture and develop. I need to stop listening to everyone else and only care to do what I want. What my heart and being knows to be right. I hope that what Kevyn and Bryan saw in me is true because it is very easy for me to doubt my strength. I question whether or not I will be good at it and I fear that I will fail. I fear that I will have nothing to show for.

I think I'm going to buy a guitar and teach myself. That or even an electronic piano. Or sing. In SF I felt faraway from my dream. It was a tiny seed planted. How on earth am I to battle singing, performing, possibly even writing when I am plagued with social anxiety? I think the point is really not about "making it" as a goal. It has more to do with my fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by others. More than the passion itself but that's not how it should be. I really think and believe that this time when I decide to move there is real purpose behind it. It is to find my identity and push my limits and go for the passion of singing. I love it so much and fear of it at the same time. I can possibly go to a performance anxiety therapist/coach and work on everything. I am working on myself and I am going to a far away place to do that. It is absolutely terrifying but it is the only way that I am ever going to live and be happy. Happiness is a by product of dealing with sadness. I know what makes me feel alive inside. I am going to chase my passions again.

I am not doing much else thrilling here in Arcadia and a change of scenery could be better. It shouldn't make me feel more lonely. The truth is with the rate of technology, getting connected is really at your fingertips. And making the time to see people. Otherwise we are each in our own universe. I could apply to work at gavert atelier but no singing to look forward to.

If I go to Taipei and later Miami it will force me to quit weed. It will force me to hunt for hair models, to make friends, take care of myself, and grow the fuck up. I grew up with so much anxiety that it turned to a general feeling of malaise. This is a self and personal journey more than anything else.

dreams....

Today Laurie and I discussed the possibility of my moving to Miami to build a new life.  To apprentice there and to train to sing.  I could spend all my free time practicing and finding weekend or night gigs.  Once there, I would really have to be aggressive about looking for models to cut hair.  My whole life would change.  This transition is hard.  Sigh....

I'm a young tree that is still growing and needs more growing up to do to find happiness.

Trying to hang around a different crowd......

I still think I'm depressed.  It's difficult to find cool people that have cool taste in music, fashion and film.  Although I appreciate Jenny Mao, her friends and her boyfriend are really odd.  I really don't mean to judge but it's odd.  Genuinely......um, I think Jenny can do a lot better than her current boyfriend.  Either that or I just have to get to know him better.  I want to make sure he is good for her and a good fit.  His friend Jennifer is SOOO fucking weird.  Sigh...  I really don't have that much time for other people.  So far, Jenny is still kind but the places we hang at are strange.  I think she's trying to please me.  Maybe I should start picking the venues. Hahhaha.  I think I will.  Jay Chou by the way sucks.  He says he's from China.  What is going on?  Investigate mutherfucka.

My thoughts lately...

I think I am experiencing a lot of anxiety because I don't know how to plan out my life right now.

I do need to talk to Laurie about my worries and concerns.  I'm always talking about other people and their problems.  The one thing I have committed myself to right now is getting exercise and it still feels like a lot of work.  All I did was sign up for a trainer and paid to get someone else to help me reach my goal.  And I could barely make it through the exercises that Russell's been giving me.

At this point, my concern is not about hanging around people and partying.  I don't want to see Jenny or Kenny.  That leaves me pretty much with no one.  I sincerely do not want to hang out with Kenny.  There is something wrong with him.  He is way too spacey.  And it annoys the shit out of me.  He is socially retarded.  And Jenny is getting old, her English is worse and she's mentally deteriorating.  I have not seen her in awhile because none of us have been calling each other.  I basically don't even think about her now or at least I don't allow myself to.  I don't think I miss her really.  I'm just not all that interested in hanging out with other people right now.  The other people that I could be talking to frankly, I feel my role with them is because they want to talk therapy.  I can't help Kenny, Jenny, and I cannot concern my matters too much with Kris, Linda and Jenny whom I'm barely getting to know.  The only person I might try getting to know is someone out of this puny, sad social network that I currently have.

But I just don't want to hang out with anyone right now.  I'm tired of people.  I'm tired of choosing odd people and I'm afraid to make a new friend that isn't odd because that's my tendency.  I think the only thing I care about right now is MYSELF.

Did I just write that?  Yes.  I am all about helping myself succeed.  I am doing hair right now so I can allow myself to hangout with Emma and meet up with classmates like Justin or get to know Lydia.  These are people I won't see very much of in my life so it's good to get in touch with others.

I am going to enjoy my time at home.  I WILL purchase a flight to Florida to get some lessons.  I can spend my time leisurely in Florida.  Then I'll make a decision about what to do while I'm in Taiwan.  Why not, I can even take a break and don't have to work immediately.  I can take a year long break even if I want.  It's my fucking life.

Oh, and right now I am truly considering laser hair removal.  Why not?  I've been spending so much on material things.  I want to work on my physical health now and yes that involves beauty too that is not superficially altering.  

So I'm going to fix the way I eat by having breakfast at the start of each day.

SF

Well, I really wanted to blog about the places I went to while I was in SF but blogger.com was temporarily shut down.

Anywho....

Upon late Saturday night arrival, Kris took me to Mighty's to hangout at a hip hop club.  I still had fun.  We had vodka shots at a previous bar before we headed there.  I drank on a fairly empty stomach and felt slightly sick since I smoked right before that.  Win treated us to a bunch of shots.  Nice.  Hungout and chatted.  Don't know what happened to Kris because it seems that we offended her and she was crying.  

Sunday, we went to the Pulp Fashion exhibit to see some paper exhibit by Isobel someone.  Met her friend Eric, a total gay fashionista.  Had a croque monsier at the museum cafe.  That was followed by a random vietnamese pho joint before we headed home, popped in Inception dvd and I passed out.  

Monday, we went to the Fillmore to shop.  We had lunch at Whitehouse and Irene joined us.  I bought a dress at Jigsaw, a hippie metal & turquoise necklace and a stringy grey leather bracelet with tiny gold studs.  It amounted to $400+ .... Kris decided to meet up with her family friend Weber so we had dinner at a tapas place called Barbacco Eno Trattoria.  We went to Palomino later to hang with Irene's set of douchy party people.  Yuck.  It sucked.  Home we went and chatted until 4am.  Good lord.

Tuesday, we went to have brunch at Brenda's soul food.  The beignets were delicious and scary because we tried the sampler.  I ordered a salad with grilled chicken while Kris ordered the catfish poboy.  The California Academy of Sciences and the Planetarium was soo awesome.  We had Pizzeria Delfina's.  Amazing margherita pizza, some strawberry prosseco slush drink and fried asparagus with parmasen cheese.  Yum.  Then I continued eating at home.  Tons of Sans Rival filipino dessert cake.  Followed by the rest of the leftovers from Brenda.  So bad.  Kris showed me her wardrobe collection.  Very neat.  

On Wednesday, we left the house late because I was dead tired.  For lunch we went to Union Square and had a nice buffet at Amber India.  We shopped at Jeremy's in South Park and I scored Chanel black ballet pumps and a Veda brown leather moto jacket.  It had a slash on the right arm though.  We went to Hayes but by the time we got there at 6:30 most of the shops had closed.  For dinner we ate at Suppenkuche and had braised beef with cranberry sauce, with spatzle and I had a mixed beer drink.  Mine was called the Radler I think (Helles with lemon soda).  It was light and refreshing.  

----

Back to today.  What did I accomplish?  Well, I had a cold cut subway and I tried to fix my leather jacket.  Right next door was Boutique 5, a consignment and designer label store.  I ended up purchasing an LV mini crossbody.  It was the Saint Cloud in black epi leather.  Although it was marked on sale for $350, I purchased mine in cash for $250.  My offer was $200 to the seller but that's pretty much the cheapest going price on Ebay.  I could have saved $50 but it's not so bad.  I spent an average amount considering that I didn't pay for shipping and there was no tax.  

I spent $1200+ on shopping.  Eeek.  

Jeremy's $512 

Amber India  $38.24

Suppenkuche $28.03

Pizzeria Delfina's  $50

Palomino  $16.76

Jigsaw dress  $230

Woodhouse  $24

Barbacco  $32

Candystore Collective $130

Heidi says shoe $107

Bottega Louie macaroons git $45

Here is my dream

My dream is to move to Miami and take singing lessons with Jeremy while I assist at a salon.  I really, really, really want to do this.  I can build a whole new life there.

I have no attachments here and I don't have any good friends here.  The "crazy" people that I let into my life basically drove me crazy.  Here in Arcadia I just have Linda and Jenny.  Carlene.  Hmm...  I pretty much am a loner.

I will discover the LA music scene after I get my training in Miami both in hair and singing.  I want to get my own apartment and possibly a pet.  Sigh.  I really really really want to do this but I am also deathly afraid.

I cannot imagine myself in Taipei for long.  3 months will be enough training and I can do that intensively.

Stressed while waiting for state board

I'm a little stressed right now because I don't know how to go about making my plans without a set date for state board.  Maybe I should facebook Al or Sean Michael.  At least find out what the typical waiting period is?

Things on my list to do:

STUDY MASSIVELY ON HAIR.  Mostly ABC before the exam date and practice doing hair on friends.

EXERCISE.  Get all your sessions in with Russ.  Work out 2-3x per week.  Just run everyday.

I was hoping to SING....ack....but it seems like my mind is unable to focus on much else other than hair.  This waiting process annoys me.  I think that I will make a goal of not smoking joints.  Only vaporizer if I must.

Analysis of Jenny

Jenny is pretty much a bitch that is inflexible.  There is something oddly wrong about her.  My therapist thinks that she is a narcissist that also has low self-esteem.  She doesn't want to associate with people like her, but only those who are successful, ambitious and wealthy.  It makes her judgmental and a ugly snob.  When she talks shit about people she deems as "losers" she is basically projecting.  

The entire Vegas trip was all about her.  It was all about her hangover, some random guy she met and all about her plans even though she said the trip was for me to celebrate my graduation.  However, not once did she say congratulations to me.  We even had to take my car for the trip.  She is super selfish and needs serious mental help.  Listening to her talk to the guy in bed was just yuck.

She is mentally ill and crazy.

Physically, she looks like Tila Tequila.  Trashy, thin lips.  

She is crass, unrefined, uneducated, and has the UGLIEST and unlistenable accent.

She has no musical or linguistic talent because after all these years she still cannot pronounce anything right.  She projected her fobiness onto me when she is the true fob.

She will have the most difficult time finding a man.

She no longer has my support.  I'm over it.  I'm not even mad.  I just feel bad for the rat looking girl.

I will not hold anything against anyone...

...but I will just hang with them less.  I think that of all people, I still appreciate Kris because she is a nuthead with enough awareness to know what she's doing.  She is into fashion, music, food.  A little on the crazy, obnoxious, difficult side when drunk .... AND she's constantly saying her thoughts aloud.  It's funny but can get annoying because she's so frantic at times.  

People like Jenny and Kenny (never thought about it rhyming) are a bit off.  There is definitely something wrong with each of them.  They are people that I'm not all that interested in associating with.  Jenny is absent minded, slightly bipoloar/borderline, trashy, crass, and kind of a bitch and pain to deal with.  She's a crazy drunk and it's no fun hanging out with her.  She is also getting old and forgetful.  She cannot hang.  She needed two days to recover from a hangover.  Seriously not a good sign.  Kenny's world is in drugs and he's a pothead.  He's pretty much a loser and I need to stop hanging out with him.  These two people are on the very bottom of my priority list right now.

I can get to know Jenny Mao (slightly a hair slow as well).  Also, I think Lydia is really cool.

I can study MUSIC. HAIR. SINGING. FASHION. FILM FOR INSPIRATION.

Lykke Li

My new fave musical artist.  She's amazing.  She's an old soul.

I went to Vegas this weekend after getting my diploma.  It wasn't that fun and it helped me get over my friendship grudge with Jenny.  I don't bear the grudge, but I also became indifferent and realized I just need to make new friends.

Good riddance

This was a stressful and long week for me.  I had to be in the same room with Aaron (that's not even his real name) at school and then come home to a stinking place.  What a HORRIBLE experience to endure.

Today I decided to leave my keys to Bernice's apartment and there he was with Sean in the living room.  I said I was dropping off keys and he just said something to Sean in another language and ignored me.  Douchebag.  I fucking hate him.  Why such a strong reaction?  Because his actions make me feel like shit basically.  That's his problem that he's an asshole.

I'm glad to be home.  I will NEVER ever have to see that apartment or him again.  Fuck the mean psycho.

Sigh....after giving it a thought...I know where my own anger and meanness comes from.  It comes from a deep wound of being hurt and avoiding rejection and suffering low self-esteem.

I am going to Vegas with Jenny tomorrow.  We are not on the best terms as of now.  I am making somewhat of an attempt but if I feel like this trip doesn't patch up our friendship or it's not a good fit anymore, then at least I get it over with and get on with my own life.  I'm just going to have a fun time and get a free ride and trip to Vegas.  Jenny is more like a sister who got too close to comfort.

Truth

BB has a pretty bad singing voice.  And I don't mean bad ass either.

He is brilliantly awesome at playing the guitar and would excel as a solo guitarist or as a side musician.  You know me and guitars.... and passionate, hot talented musicians....this shit turns me on.  He is so good that I want him in my bed.

But he really needs a better voice teacher or get some perspective on his singing voice. It's no good at all.  It doesn't have any characteristics and aesthetics of what makes a good singing tone.  He should realize that if he ever wants to start a band and get anywhere with his name, he needs to find an amazing lead singer.  Or just work with singers.  It would be a fantasy for me to transition into this and end up working with him.  I mean, it takes a lifetime (or more) to be really GREAT at ONE thing.

I want to excel and be good at these things:

Hair
Singing
Stylish fashionista
Dancing

Down the road....

Musician, writer, therapist

My voice

I just saw lauryn hill streamed on coachella and uh.... she sounds pretty terrible.  She's obviously been smoking too much pot.  She needs to rest her voice and quit smoking.  It's pretty obvious that is smoking weed that is killing her voice.

I DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE THIS!!!!

How I am going to give up weed?

1) first get out of my terrible living situation
2) only vape while doing that
3) take up singing

Taking up singing is the solution because then it rearranges my life in such a drastic way that I have to be physically healthy.  I should take this up as a serious hobby.  I have every right to do what I want.  I mean, Bryan's music is like hit or miss.  It's too weird for most people.  He is best as a solo guitarist and side musician.  His singing is off putting.  Unclear and muffled and the falsetto sounds are not sexy but sounds like he's trying to be!

Drinking White Zinfandel tonight

I am trying to be sober of weed and I am not loving cheap wine.  It makes me feel sick.

I have had the longest secret crush on Bryan Baker.  I don't get it.  Maybe I should explore where it comes from?  I mean, he actually contacted me and we met up.  Hahahah.  Sigh, I'm so shy!!

I want to improve myself.  I want to sing again, quit pot, take lessons, get good at hair, pass my license and be an AMAZING ROCKSTAR STYLIST.

This weekend

On FRIDAY afternoon I hung out with Kris and met up for dinner with her friends Ed and Anne.  We went to Melrose Ave and I bought a Balenciaga day bag in Anthracite.  Also got a velvet striped blouse from Beckway boutique next door.  We went to Tender Greens for dinner.  Nutritious and delish.

Lunch :In-n-Out

Tea : the afternoon at Royal-T cafe...

Dinner : Tender Greens (grilled veggies and chicken soup)

Purchases: Balenciaga bag, Myne black velvet striped blouse, polaroid photo mirror, small pill case

Drinks later at Cana

Since I managed to disappoint Carlene, I made my way back to DTLA to hang out with her and Jenny.  Jenny took her online test and by the time she was done in an hour, me and carl were faded.  It sucked to go to Cana when we were sleepy.  I'm beginning to feel that Jenny's company is not always that fun.  And she talks like a fobby retard.  

SATURDAY

I managed to miss school and slept in at Carlene's house until 10:30am.  We had lunch at Farm's and the rest of the afternoon was a blur.  I smoked too much on the bong and got a little paranoid and experienced discomfort in my stomach.  Ugh...not fun.  Had to spend the rest of the day napping.

Lunch :  at Farm's (French toast, Cobb salad but the lettuces were so small they got stuck in our teeth,  and some eggs benedict but on a potato, weird)

Dinner : Cork Bar (Carlene ordered a hamburger and sliders, lol)

Night : went to hang with Jenny and Jeff.  The night kind of went wrong and she irritated me.  We both got drunk and then crashed at Jeff's.  Jeff took me back to my car the next morning.  

SUNDAY

Met up with Kris, Janet and her husband Jimmy for Peruvian food at Choza Mama in Old Pasadena.  Then to Intelligentsia Coffee followed by store browsing at H&M and Urban Decay.  Ooh, I want the "I Love Your Style" book by Amanda Brooks I believe.  And the Tiffany black key pendant.  Sigh, it's $275.  But I want it.  I also saw a strawberry Denman brush.  So cute.  And I need a pair of skorts.  

Lunch : Choza Mama (ordered pulled pork and sweet yams).  I wasn't feeling it, too rich.

Dinner : Chicken Caesar salad from that French bakery

I only spent money on food today.  I am going to see Laurie tomorrow and I hope I can pay for the session.....I was so pissed at Kenny on Friday.  Motherfucker who is screwing up my life.  At least I don't have any weed on me anymore.  I'm gonna give this sober thing a go....to just weekends.  

Working on myself and an old fantasy

Once upon a time I had the hots for Bryan.  I think I had him in my thoughts year after year, especially when I think about the years I truly had growing up with music.  You think of the musicians and people that surround you.  I fantasize about having a love affair with Bryan later down the road.  There is a time for things like that.  I think I really believe in the concept of timing.  That is something to explore.

I really want to make myself hot.  Hot on my own terms and how I personally choose to define it.  Being hot to me is like being fresh.  It's staying in tune with my dreams and possibilities and going for my desires without inhibition.  Living it strong and courageously.  It's inventing and reinventing myself in thought and in fashion.  I want to be a good hair stylist and have a personal style that is all my own so people can say that is so Uni! I want to be stylish in terms of fashion, music, film, books and current, modern thought.  Secondly, I want to be an amazing person and friend.  Smart, beautiful, talented, knowledgeable, a good person.  I also want to be a singer.  This is an area I need to get back to completing and exploring.  I can prove that this is the test of what I really want to be good at.  I am 31, not 21.  But, I am already musically talented and have a natural ability for it.  I just need more practice and development with my voice and then confidence will take me the other 50% of the way.

I need to come up with a plan for how to balance these two things.  I started music school when I was 21 and now I'm 31.  I cannot for the life of me, let myself spend another decade accomplishing a life without my involvement in music.  And the next decade is going to rush by twice as fast I won't know where the time is going.  I need a complete overhaul in the way I do things.

Here's what I want for myself:

1)  Exercise and healthy food diet
2) Quit pot
3) Finish school and study hard in all areas.  There are 3 weeks left.  Use this time to treat it as if you were studying for finals. For state board, memorize procedures and read all about cosmetology because it will probably be the last lesson I learn about biology, chemistry, anatomy and disorders.  I want to be as knowledgeable as I can about our human body.  Doing hair is a skill that is overlooked.  Hair comprises the components of "being" the physical human, involves a type of art/technical trade that transforms people while taking care of their grooming needs.
4) Be good at hair.  Really good.
5) Be a really good singer.
6) Maybe be a mother or a therapist.


and....
7) Possibly meet and live happily with the man of my wildest dreams.....

Tiffany's birthday

Today was the first time I hung out with my classmates.  Oddly, it was actually fun smoking pot and hanging out with them.  I hung out with  Tarran, Cara, Tiffany and Justine (still annoying).  I was a fun addition to the party (to the people that matter).  Why?  Because I was cool to do everything.  I picked up Cara and Tiffany, who was drunk by the time we got to her place.  We stopped by JJ Herbal dispensary and then to Coldstone to pick up her birthday cake, a double chocolate ice cream cake called The Midnight Delight.  I also brought a bag of Lay's chips and sour cream dip.  Plus I brought party favors and joints for everyone.  How cool was that?  Pretty darn cool I'd say.

Unfortunately, I had to dismiss my other plans with Carlene and Jenny.  I figure that I already see Jenny consistently and Carlene is just not the most fun company nowadays.  She's really limited and boring to be quite frank.  And she's not the best person to communicate with when it comes to problems.  I don't know if I care THAT much for her company.  There is definitely much cooler company out there for me to explore and find.

Feeling off

Totally feeling down.  I feel even more down when I talk to people who don't get me or aren't intuitive or clued in to my feelings.  Like my mom and Carlene.  When you feel misunderstood or like others can't relate to you, then you start to feel alien and then you want to shut yourself off from others.

I'm trying not to reach for a joint.  Maybe I should pass them out and give them away.

Ughh...today is tough.

Hung out during lunch with Lydia

I am definitely better than I was one year ago.  At least with my current mental state.  The only thing is that I've become a functional pothead and I don't practice singing ever.  It was quite an accomplishment that I'm starting to hang around people.  Being in school and smoking pot has pretty much desensitized my worries.  The only thing I'm struggling with is my overtime schedule but I want to make the best of it.

I had lunch with Lydia and got to know her a little.  She's a little all over the place and very ambitious.  My goal is to not smoke pot today.  I also need to start working out and singing again.  I'm going to try.  If I really need to smoke then I will just pull out my vaporizer.  There really is no need for me to be smoking joints and shit.  Kenny is a fucking idiot sometimes and I can't stand his lack of inner strength and direction.  He just comes off as not having a definite point of view, he's just not very discerning as a person.  Ugh.  He is one person I should stay away from.  Kris too.  Oh my goodness.  What is wrong with the poor girl?  She is all over the place!  Frantic, manic, a mess.  She makes me nervous because she talks at 100 mph and freaks out about everything.  I can't have a conversation with her without getting pissed off.  I thought she was tolerable when I was high but she is difficult even when I'm high.  It's kind of annoying that she thinks with all her thoughts out loud.  She shares her thinking process with everyone and it's a mess.  Not very comfortable.  And she has no manners when she talks like a bratty child.  My god.  I think I need to rearrange my life and have new friends.

I think I invite weird people into my life and I only hang out with people that have problems.  Urgh.  It's like I don't know how to be around normal, typical people.  I need to be around people that are more level headed and grounded.  My friends are a mess.  And I hang around them to distract me.

This weekend

Last night I met up with Jenny with the excitement and hope to hangout with Lydia.  It ended up not happening for whatever reasons that can't be explained.  Bummer.  She did make an attempt to stop by at a late hour but gave up soon and went home.  It just was not a good way to start a friendship or make a good impression.  I was pretty high and tired so I couldn't understand what Lydia was saying when I phoned her.

I drove home drunk because I didn't want to stay over at Jenny's.  Ended up finding a place to park and dozed off for a good hour before driving back home.  Suffered a hangover in the morning.  Picked Emma up to go to Urth Caffe and ran into Tina and her husband.  Weird.  Then got lit and went to Abbot Kinney to window shop.  We went to Von's and Rite Aid after.  I cooked steak and had steamed veggies.  Attempted to print my cutting notes at Kinko's but it didn't happen.  Went home, got lit again and talked to Kris for two long hours.

What a mild Sunday.  Not overly productive though.

Today I just feel insecure

I just feel like I'm not cool enough to be approached by him or something.  Or that he isn't all that interested in chatting with me.  I mean, Beatrice is the cool, stylish Asian here and I think most guys would be more interested in her than me.  That's just how I feel.  I could be wrong but it doesn't matter.

I think in the end, it's back to my priorities and my standing on my own again.

Personal Jesus

Do I have a spiritual discipline?  Do I need one?  I was just listening to Depeche Mode.  I like and admire Lydia and Eric.  They are good people with depth.  They have artistic souls and a real passion for beauty and truth.  I want to be friends with them.  It feels great when people you admire also want to get to know you. It's like you have some cosmic energy that pulls you together.  They seem to know what they want, they are opinionated and really know what makes the real "stuff" of life.

In a way, I really want to get to know and hang with them, but at the same time I'm also a bit scared.  What if they don't like me or I'm not interesting enough?  If they happen to be kind and good people, for what reason would they have to think you are uncool or dislike you IF you have done nothing wrong or nothing intentionally.  Think about it.  You have a good and valid reason to ask to hang with them.  Eric and Lydia, each of them has already invited you out!!  Not one on one....but you should say something.  Get to Lydia first.  Find out when we are going to hang or make the first move.  Maybe invite her out with Jenny since she is in DTLA!!  Besides, Jenny will do anything I want to do! =) Hahahah.  Okay, sounds like a plan!!

So here's the plan:

Saturday - pack for the weekend, shower and get ready!!  Get some weed from Kenny!  Hang with Jenny and invite Lydia
Sun- brunch with Emma, maybe go to Arcadia
Mon- hang with Kris

I'm stoked for such silly reasons.  Am I getting overexcited?  I can't help it.  I've dreamed of having the most amazing relationships with the right people and the right people seem to just ALIGN with me at the moment.  They are both undefined and have potential for something positive.  They are both light acquaintances that I want to get to know them.  One potential female friendship and one potential male friendship.  But since I admire and respect one of the opposite sex things get a little bit complicated.  I think Eric is a sensitive guy.  There is something about him....

Immerse

I want to immerse myself with music and books.  In a way I am quite like my maternal grandpa.  I like meeting people because I get to learn about them and wrap my head around new concepts, thoughts and ways of living. 

My short term crush (after all the straight guys at school) right now is Eric.  I don't even have his last name because we've only spoken a few times.  He invited me to go have a drink with him and his classmates.  Plus he asked me in advance too.  It was not a spur of the moment thing on the same day.  Sigh.  I really didn't pay him much attention at all.  Not even during the time that I was at school.  I was actually being comfortable with myself and not giving a shit about Aaron.  But I started thinking about him later this weekend when I had nothing else to do.  I had time to reflect and get an impression of him.

I find it incredibly sexy that he cooks and is a huge lover of post-punk music.  He is a gentleman.  He likes Otis Redding, Cornelius, Depeche Mode, and he told me about the music festival Lightning in a Bottle. 

Anyways, fuck Aaron.  I am going to be more productive and not smoke again.

Listening to Shuggie Otis

Honestly.... I am really curious about Eric now.  He has no facebook and I don't know his last name.  I have a good impression of him thus far.  I'm usually not that bad with character judgment.  He did invite me to join his classmates for a drink at a bar.  That was a friendly gesture.  Should I take it as a sign of something more?  Then Lindsey invited me to her birthday dinner.  I don't really know her either so I wonder if she is that casual or does she just want to get to know me?

I don't know what to think about anymore.  Daydreaming is fun.  The purpose is just to let the mind wander and dream up things.  LOL.  I need to get my head out of my arse!

Daydreaming.... and living with a ghost

I am daydreaming and thinking through music listening.  I started to think about Eric.  I don't know a thing about him except that he is from Philadelphia and that he used to be a kitchen chef.  He is a music lover and he is really nice.  I think he has some kind of family connection to Traci Sakosits.  At least that's what I was told because he appeared at the Sunset theater to watch the Vidal Sassoon documentary.  We both like Shuggie Otis and soul music.  He said that he likes Otis Redding.  That just leaves a sweet impression of him.  I guess it's nice to daydream about someone else, someone that is a good person.  I have a good feeling about him as a person.  He's someone I wouldn't mind getting to know.  I'm only spending time on people that I believe are worth spending my time with.

Home life with the roomie is still strange but becoming more routine.  He is seriously not a pleasant person to deal with.  He is definitely someone I would be wasting my time with.  He is really weird.  He is starting to give me the creeps as a person.  His identity is bizarre.  I don't think he can get far with his personality.  He will need to keep his private life very separate from his professional life.  Because he is seriously odd.  I just don't like his energy, aura, presence, mood, personality?  I was right from the start.  I don't like him.  Never did from my impression and it wasn't worth giving him a chance.  I'm just too cool of a person and he's out of my league by thousands of miles.  Where I stand and where he stand, there's abso-fuckin-lutely no fucking chance.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  He ain't shit.  He is a piece of shit with a piece of shit mind and heart.  Well he is mentally ill.  Is it fair for me to hate someone who has some kind of mental illness?  In a way, I'd say it's partially fair.  One, because the roomie is aware of his problem and his effect on others.  And he doesn't want to do anything about it.  He is not open to it and he has neither the capacity.  He has a black heart and he's killing himself by smoking a pack a day whatever else he does, like previously cutting himself.  And he won't take a realistic view of himself because he is prideful.  Wow.  Just wow.  I guess I've learned the limits of some people.  I don't regret giving him my BIG TWO CENTS.  I think someone had to do it and I don't care if I was being self-righteous and preaching about it.  I laid everything straight out to him and gave him the opportunity to do something about it.  He probably took it very hard because he is immature and had a crush on me.  He was very rude and manipulative.  I stood up for myself and told him I'm not putting up with his shit.  But in a strong confrontational email.  He lost, but in his mind he won because he decided not to respond.  By not responding he basically communicated that he did not care for the most part.  There was no apology.  After that we ceased communication, and he did consider acknowledging my presence (but now instead of hello, it's like a mumbly "mmm hi").

While living with him I can't look at him in the eye anymore.  That's how repulsive I now find him.  Maybe that is too strong of a word.  I think my frustration and eventual dislike of him has turned to voluntary indifference.  I'm not going to initiate talking to him or greeting him.  I don't need to.  I have to say that even when he is being his euphoric happy self, he ultimately creeps me out because his voice gets so high it's completely out of character.  He's a skinny, scrawny thin man.  Seriously unattractive and weird.  Not even worth sticking around to learn about hair from him.  Simply because it would be annoying to deal with.

I'd rather be self-motivated to learn it all on my own and from other people I admire.  This allows me to push myself.

Strength, courage and wisdom....inside me

So I'm back in Santa Monica from two nights of drinking in DTLA =/  That's what life is like when you have a friend like Jenny.  Hahah.  But that's alright, as long as I have her as my friend my social life will not dwindle.  So last night we went to Bottega Louie for dinner followed by Library Bar to Far Bar to Max Karoake.  Lol.  I passed out on on Jenny's bed and snored like a man while all her buddies just laughed at me and drew on my face!!

Today was our recovery day.  Jenny made me kimchi tofu soup before bedtime followed by oatmeal in the morning.  She really is like my wifey.  I'm lucky to have her around.  We act like old friends and it's endearing when our other friends see us together.  She's not an easy person to be around.  But it can be worth the friendship to put up with it because then you have a friend for life.

Anyhow, we went back to Bottega Louie for their Modena and Mache salad.  We found parking right in front of it in the rain!  Awesome.  That place is always filled and happening.  Then we went to Urth Cafe and I ordered my green tea latte.  After that we went to the Korean supermarket.  I got Shiseido Tsubaki shampoo and conditioner, oranges, seawood, kimchi and yakult.

My life is seriously happening right now.  The present moment with the seconds going by.  The seconds that roll by are like a video camera archiving/documenting our lives, but our life can only be played once.  The "moment-ness" is a very awesome concept.  It is essentially our life and what we tackle each day of its moments, glory and sadness.  Our routine is what dulls our very own existence.  Does anyone think of their life this way?  Am I fortunate to afford this kind of thinking?  The fortunate ones may see this but yet a lot never do.  My own strength is my intuition, awareness and realization of things.  I see what is happening and I seek mostly truth and beauty and meaning in my life.  I love beauty, art and music.  I am especially interested in how all this ties in to the human condition.  People interest me and they in turn give me a reflection of what I see in myself.  I feel that these are things that make my life beautiful.  I only want to fill my life with this.  There is an overabundance of it and it is my desire to seek it's riches and live fully the way I see fit.

Reflection is a wonderful thing.  I like to reflect.  I have a desire to liberate myself.  I want to be liberated and anxiety free.  Does anxiety have a role in shaping our very lives?  I think very much so.  Is a good dosage of it necessary for us to keep on?  Is it a stressor that fuels us?  Well I learned about Eu-stress and Distress.

Psychology, the mind and body connection.
Music, American roots, the new, the old, throw in some experimental and style
SINGing....   this is amazing when someone can touch you.  Like they are your friend and they are saying something truly meaningful to help all of us.  They are the voices that sing for us.  I need to sing for others.  Maybe there are others that can be reached for a moment.  After all, the seconds that we don't speak....the seconds we use to breathe, listen and ponder are just as much of the stuff that make up life.

I want to sing and meet more people.  People I like and hopefully fewer people that I dislike! =)


Fashion, minimalist, sensual, non-comformist, a little edgy rock-hippie attitude, and reinventing the self
Hair, make others look awesome and understand as much as I can about hair to create a total look for others.  Make them sexier and make them look better!  Because makeovers are tha BOMB.  Plus, essentially all the small things are what make up the big important things...the stuff of life.  I think a smart, successful guy can understand this especially if he is the one making the money and success but not by means of creativity but by the fundamental and necessary skill to survive and make money.  After all, survival is what everyone is after first.  When you are fortunate enough to go beyond survival mode, then you have the luxury to advance human thought in stages where you become abstract, conceptual and philosophical.

People and their differences - culture, sociology, history, life stories.

Figure out myself.  I think I have a point of view as an artist.  I have my own take of life and I want to say something and express my emotional vulnerability, strength through song and through my emotional spirit that is uniquely.  I choose voice as the artistic medium.  But I want my sound to be a beautiful and great one that is sincere, honest, soulful, sensual and has a rock attitude and sensitivity that is subtle and can be loud as well.  I want to find out the artist that I am.  That is what I want.  I'm going to work hard for this.

I think that anything art related I pursue will be the fabric of life for me.  The process and the search are the pieces that will uniquely make me who I am.  The experiences and the desire to search for meaning in everything requires not just someone great and smart....it requires a beautiful, compassionate soul and a beautiful personality.  I'm going to step up.  My new career will take me to more places that I've ever imagined.  I think this new path may be interesting.  I love my new optimism.  I love that it is year 2011.

The world is alive and I need to feel my part in it.




 

Tried, but missed class today...

Wow, I must moderate my drinking nowadays because I can't hang.  I need to take care of myself and know my limits.  I can definitely smoke pot which is a lot better.

My appetite has been greatly diminished.  I ordered breakfast a little before noon but it's now 2pm and I've only had OJ and some leftover bites of chicken tikka masala.  Anyways....

I've been thinking about hair as a profession and I think I'm gonna do it.  I want to study the shit out of hair while I can.  I want to be like Debz.  She knows everything about color and she's marketing and working for herself.  It's really awesome.  It works because she's bubbly and chatty when she's in the bar.  I think this profession will help get me out of my shell.  I need to first work hard and feel confident in my abilities.  After that I think I have a cool, winning personality to go far.  Yeah!!  And I'll make lots of friends and meet all kinds of people, difficult and rewarding.  But if I can understand difficult people it may help my next career choice which is to be a family therapist, LMF.  I know that my life just took a new course, but I think Laurie is right that things will get easier when you start to want to help yourself.  This means that I'm at a MUCH better place than I was one year ago.  I wasn't doing anything.  So much can happen in one year.  So little can happen in one year too.  It depends on you and where you are at in your life.  I'm watching the Shipping News with Kevin Spacey.  He is an unaccomplished man who hasn't done much with his life.  After his estranged crazy wife dies, he has to start and pick up the pieces because he never really lived for himself.  When his aunt arrives at this door (seriously incoherent parts to the movie flow), she suggests that he move to Newfoundland.  It's a small populated town much more suitable for Spacey's growth because it takes you to a simpler time where the odd, isolated, and outcasted can thrive.  It's like saying that he needs to be in a smaller pond.

I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious since I've got the entire weekend to relax and catch up on my hair cutting notes.  I guess I'm not proud of missing class today.  That is $150 gone to the school and possibly another $150 to make up another day.  Fuck.  Not good.  I feel like I'm  fined for traffic tickets or something.

I have Saturday, Sunday and Monday to organize my hair cutting notes.  That is all I'm responsible for :)  Yay!!!

I guess I feel like I should be spending time with Jenny, or I could get to know Lindsey during her birthday party or even Eric.  Yesterday was actually kinda fun.  I gave a haircut for Yalena's model.  It was a beautiful one length bob.  It was fantastic to work with Leo and I enjoyed the blow drying process.  I talked to Adrian, Eric, Debz and Lindsey invited me to her birthday party.  Even better is that Aaron observed me interacting with Adrian, Eric and Lindsey.  I'm sure he saw me assisting for Leo giving Debz a haircut.  Let's just say that I enjoyed talking to these people.  Aaron was socially and conversationally weird lol.  I can't help feeling that he is uncool.  He probably viewed me as being a cool person.  All in all, yesterday was lived to the fullest!!  And after school I had a drink with Adrian and Debz and joined Jenny, Jeff and two others for Korean BBQ at Honey Pig.  We tried getting into La Descargo but went back to DTLA and checked out Cana and Broadway bar.  TONS of drinking!

So now I'm paying $150 for it.  Whatever, don't sweat it anymore.   And don't shame yourself as you naturally would.  Just enjoy your weekend to yourself and take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!

You don't have to hangout with anyone this weekend but yourself if that's what you want.  Enjoy your time!

Just recover first.

Moving on and doing my own thing

I've basically taken over the apartment and fully utilized the space while Aaron stays confined in his room.  It wasn't my choice but I get a ton of freedom and I stood up for myself and what I believe to be right and good.

In a nutshell, he wasn't far off from the impression I first had of him.  He was shy, weird, uncommunicative and odd looking.  I soon discovered that he had a private agenda and was a manipulative person.  The voice he speaks in both aurally and in his head is kinda sick and perverse.

I can point out from head-to-toe what is unappealing about him.

1)  He has thin hair (probably from smoking more than a pack a day).
2)  He has an odd head shape.  The top of kind of pointy and the sides are wide and a flat head.  Maybe he just has a bad head and that's the problem with him.
3)  His eyes are harsh and he wears a constant frown on his face.
4)  His mouth/lips are thick and too big in proportion to the rest of his face.
5)  Poor profile : Scrawny, poor hunched over posture, short
6)  Walks like a impatient crazy person, yet distinctly fussy Asian with no grace and refined manners
7) Weird hands and feet
8) Chain smoker
9) Has the ugliest accent both in English and Mandarin
10) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.  Need I say more?  One minute he is euphoric and his voice gets so high pitch you think he is gay.  The next minute his voice is so low it's down in the dungeon.  He said he had a mental illness.  Plus he is SO RUDE to me and Emma.
11) Has the scariest girl laugh where he holds back a natural release, and forces the laugh in a high pitched whisper.   But since he's male he sounds like he spent some time in the loony hospital.
12) Impatient tone of voice all the time.  It vacillates between that and the girly, nasal euphoric cheerleader.
13)  Bosses people around and inflexible.  Things can only work if you let him be.  You have to be willing to adapt to him.
14)  Uncommunicative, emotionally immature, emotionally unbalanced and unmanaged

The only thing he has going for him are his goals in the hair industry and his desire to become a trainer.  Otherwise he is a very sick person that needs help.

Just about the longest day

We had class today at 10:30 but I decided not to go because I wanted to work on completing my head sheets.  Unfortunately I'm only 50% done!  This stuff takes up soo much time! :(

If I don't go to class tomorrow it will be another 150....that's $300 total to basically show up for state board.  Snooze.  I wonder if I can just do my own thing.  Maybe.

All I did today was have a fried egg sandwich, oj, ice cream and water.  I went to Staples and Printland to make copies of head sheets.  Then smoked all day and listened to music.  To be honest, I really didn't start working until after lunch around 1pm.  It's 12:54am and I need to call it a night so that I can wake up early for school manana~

The battle of who could care less

I have five (5 day) weeks and two days left until I complete my 1600 hours.

I really despise the person that my roommate is.  I hate where he is in his life and his illness.  I also hate the fact that I can't utilize him for my hair studies.  Fuck.  It means that I've got to do it all on my own.  When we were friends he gave me impression that he was going to help me.  But shit happened, he held back and became rude to me and I ended up hating him and rejecting his advances.  I just hate how fucking immature he is.  That is who he is.  I can only change my reaction and not give a shit anymore.  He is ugly to look at and ugly to listen to.  And ugly to deal with.  Highly sensitive and intuitive people will get creeped out by him.  That is me and Emma.

I shall live as if he doesn't exist.

Force your mind to concentrate and learn.  Please do it Uni.  See if you can do it without the help of antidepressants.  Or just take it...fuck it.  Take it for the next 5 months to get off this slump.

I said some powerful shit to him.  I asked him if he had a moment to talk and he didn't text me back.

"You really need to take care of yourself and I'm not catering to you anymore."  I told him if he wanted a lasting friendship with me he has to respectfully earn it.

Make a decision right now!!!!!!!!!!!

1) I do not want this person in my life
2) There is nothing to gain from him (except for his ugly, moody frowns and his ugly everything)
3) Get off the pot so you can get more shit done
4) Start breaking the pattern of dwelling on how much you can't stand him.  Just do something else.  Focus on hair.

When you graduate and you are out of here, delete him off Facebook.

What I did by staying in SM late Sunday night and Monday

So....have I been productive?

When I got home last night Aaron wasn't home.  (I spent a movie afternoon with Kenny and smoked a joint in the parking lot.  I also picked up the new dmv license registration card.)

This morning I woke up around 9am (it's daylight savings spring one hour forward).

I cleaned the apartment (hardwood floors, carpets, and family room and cleaned the bathroom shower, tub as well as bleaching the kitchen sink).  I also did 3 loads of laundry including my bedding, dropped my clothes at the dry cleaner's and picked up lunch at Santa Monica Seafood.

I am now going to spend the early evening until bedtime to work on my abc and hair notes.  It's kind of nice to run some errands and then smoke, and then work on your stuff at a relaxed pace until bedtime.  I'll have about 4 hours, which is pretty much all the concentration I could ever have.  Really also spend some time reading the notes.  So a good balance of notes and videos.

Living with Aaron is like being in a bad relationship. Almost like the way my parent's marriage felt over the years.  Now I am in my mother's shoes battling it.  He did like me before and I rejected his advances.  It's because he's a psychotic borderline and I need to be with someone kind, honest, communicative and emotionally mature.  The day at WF he asked me if I still missed him and gave me a hug from behind.  There was something in the beginning but it was brief.  Even I fantasized about what it might be like with him.  I have a tendency to fantasize about what it may be like with someone.  But that is called idealization and I'm sex starved.

I have a microfiber sheet that I have to dry but I'm too lazy to go out to get a quarter to dry it in the machine.  Ugh.  I'd rather not care about what happens to it.  Maybe Aaron (uh if he does his laundry) will dry it for me. LOL.  What a silly thought.  That guy would not do anything nice for you.  Don't expect tiny miracles.  LOL.  Stay very, very very, very, very. very far far far far away from Aaron.  He is pure poison for you right now.  He is going through problems right now that you should stay out of.  It will not benefit you.  He doesn't want to do anything about it right now.

Yes, spend a good amount of self-care and quality time for yourself.  Treat yourself real good.  =)

And don't feel guilty for it.  Buy what you want, eat what you want, rest and give yourself the pampering this entire month while you study.  Study is central, but allow yourself all the pleasures to yourself.

Working towards getting my Sassoon diploma and hair license

There are a TON of things I will work on:

Re-organize my cutting and color notebook
Study ABC cutting manual, head sheets and finger positions
Writing down everything verbatim on ABC dvd (master all 12 cuts)
Same for the Sassoon Contemporary Classics
Study for stateboard (read cosmo book on hair, color and chemicals)
Watch and collect Sassoon collection dvds
Assist for instructors
Work with Emma when we are placed together

Get competitive with Aaron.  He graduates in September.  My expected graduation date is April 20.  Today is March 12 leaving me with 27 days left starting next Tuesday. I have a 3-day weekend.  Although I'd like to go to Florida, I think my mind is more focused on learning about hair for the next month.  I never thought that I'd concern myself with something else other than singing but it happened.  If I get my diploma by the 20th, I will treat myself to a one week trip to Florida.

For the month of May, there is a possibility that I could go to Taipei and learn everything about hair from the very, very best.  I plan on learning at an accelerated pace and becoming pro.

Aaron smells weird.  Looks weird. Sounds and talks weird. Physically slouchy and scrawny.  Walks weird and kind of sissy and useless for a straight male.  He has an off putting personality that has borderline traits.  I don't see him as a stylish person but just a technically strong cutter who likes to play with scissors.  He's socially weird too so I can't see high end customers liking him.  He has neither the social etiquette or charm.  I definitely have potential to be more prestigious than him.

Now I gotta live through this

I think I'm depressed.  Therapy isn't really helping, my living situation sucks because I live with a ghost, my father and I have a strange distant relationship, I have few friends, and no partner and I feel my face and body aging.

Also, my hair cutting skills are very mediocre and I don't think I understand the concepts very well.  Tina and Sally aren't very friendly.  They are ultra judgmental but that could be my projection of them.  Whatever.  I didn't come to Sassoon to be like cutthroat Justin.  And I'm not ultra competitive like Aaron.  But maybe I should be!  Maybe I oughta study the SHIT out of my ABC manual.

I have Thursday and Friday to review some material.  I think I'll do it to gain a better understanding of cut and color.  Let's do it.

Made it through Soiree

What has happened to American Idol.  It's become so commercialized, karaoke-like and only perpetuates the recording studio crap sound.  Ugh.  This makes me want to be an even better singer than ever.  Honestly, I just want to keep singing and I like the aesthetic sound that Jeremy has.  I think it would be a bit extreme to suddenly move to Florida and make a decision of studying there for a year.  That is no longer possible and I must get over it.  I had my chance when I had it and I blew it.  Not intentionally of course but because I wasn't emotionally strong and stable.

So I completed Soiree day.  Big pat on the back for getting thus far.  But the day left me feeling sad.  I didn't have family or friends to see me graduate from Sassoon.  The only person I could come home to was my roommate who I don't even get that along with.  How sad is that?  Plus I think it also makes me feel sad about having a relationship with Irv.  He was often absent-minded and too busy to remember things about me, especially dates and events important to me.  He can't be bothered with things like this.

I sincerely cannot get along with Aaron.  If there was one thing I'd like to get from him it's his knowledge of hair.  But everything else about him annoys the shit out of me and I can't bother with his borderline personality behavior.  The BPD is already a huge negative.  Plus on top of that he has no physical looks and health.  Definitely the last person you'd want to get romantically connected to.  You can't at all because mentally he is sick.  He knows he has a mental illness.

Getting older is a bit depressing.  I had to say it.  But trying to live optimistically is difficult.

I'm just tired now and I think it's the fucking indica.  I was nice to my hair model because I bought him clothes from H&M for Soiree and gave him a free haircut.  I really just needed to get through to graduation.  He really had bad hygiene and he's a bit weird/dorky.  But I think he could tell I was a nice person and he even offered to hangout cuz he knew I had no family that came to visit me.  Anyways, he says that I remind him of his best friend's mom.

Our group had a good soiree.  I'll miss the girls a lot.  One part of me is depressed and hopeful and yet unsure of where to head at this point.

I think that I will just study hard from now on, for at least another month.  Don't rely on other people.  Just gain what you can from the current abc manual and dvd.  Maybe Emma can help you a ton.

Soiree week

I got through day one of prepping on week 44, our graduation week.  I'm listening to Nicole Atkins and slightly high with an achy jaw and headache.  Today was a bit stressful because I really didn't feel like partaking our soiree.  At least I got a hair model with the help of Lexi.  I felt inadequate with my scissor over comb but Lexi's friend was pretty cool about it.  West, he was just a gay male version of Lexi.

Before I go to sleep I should think of something cool to do for color on West's hair.  After that, all I have to concern myself with for Wednesday is my outfit and doing the finishing touches on West, his makeup and wardrobe.  What a character.  It will actually be fun.  I should at least try to enjoy this.  Maybe even be a little high! :)  Nah.  I can do this sober and really take all of it in.  Smile Uni.

I really do get distracted often.  If not with shopping and music, then with other people and their problems. Like right now, I am thinking about Aaron and wondering whether he has borderline personality disorder BPD.  Soiree is in two days so first things are first.  Deal with other worries later.

Think about what you'd like to do for color.  Look at the color dvd on men's comb on color and possibly some unique color sections on the internet.

Realizations

Not everyone can be helped or wants to get help.  Sometimes minding your own business and focusing on self-care is better.

Learn to observe others and figure out what kind of people you want around you.  Invite only good energy and rid of those that poison you.  He is the type of person that will not change for anyone.  He is selfish, uncommunicative, inflexible, and uncaring if you don't comply with him. He has malicious thoughts of others and is competitive.  Things must go according to him and that is the only way he will treat his friends adoringly.  But it must go his way.  He has a horrible grudge and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. It's not healthy or worth bothering with him.  There are so many people out there that love you for who you are and would like to be your friend.  You know this person or being will just be a cloudy thought with the passing of time.  So quit shaming yourself and know that you will get through this.  All you seem to want right now is for someone to care and show concern.  Support and encouragement is what you need.  But he has proven and showed you that he simply does not have a care in his heart.  He does not care.  That is the reality of it.  You don't want or need to win his support or friendship because you have the heart of a real winner.  He has an ugly soul.  I believe in karma and I think he deserves everything that is him today.  He's scrawny, unattractive and odd looking and there is nothing appealing about his mannerisms or personality.  He gives for the wrong reasons.  He gives to fill his void of being an empty soul that needs love.  But only to those that let him be a child.  He may never have the capacity to improve but at least he is aware of what he is doing.

You are magnetic, charming and endearing.  You are lucky and deserving too because fortunately, the friends around you want to help you and they do care.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!

School, then getting high pretty much

What's stressing me out:

1)  I can't seem to dig up enough visuals for my inspiration board.  I simply don't have the energy and time for this.  Urgh.

2)  Well I have Wes, Lexi's friend as my hair model to think about.  I want to review my ABC manual this week and look at the trident video.  I have to do the headsheet as well.

3)  Things are awkward between me and my roommate.  What do I say to him now?

Hey Aaron,

May I say something?  I want you to know that it didn't feel good for me to say some of the things I wrote you.  If it came off sounding harsh it was probably because in that moment I overreacted.

Last night I stayed over at Jenny's and hung out at far bar and edison's.  Jenny found a small studio to move into and it's quaint and artsy.  We had a burger at far bar and Mike treated us to drinks.  Then off to Edison's and Seth gave us free drink cards. After that we hung out at Jeff's place for a bit.

This morning I had to recover from last's night drinking.  It was tough.  I had upset stomach, chills and a massive headache.  I also felt retarded for writing such a long fb message to pms boy.  Jenny made me realize that he doesn't care to do anything so I wasted my time and now I'm just the "crazy" control freak girl.  So I'm keeping busy with Jenny and getting over my being mildly hurt.

Carlene set me up on a double date with her friend Chris.  He's totally not my type nor do I want to hang or talk to him as a friend.  What's the point if you're not interested?

Carlene set me up on a blind date with her and henry

We went to Sushi Roku and Carlene and Henry treated me for my 31st birthday.  That was sweet of them. I feel bad because I was late and kept them waiting.  I was introduced to their pal Chris.  He is a nice guy but I am not attracted to him at all.  I think Carlene is a terrible match maker.  At least she tried to do something nice for me.

Earlier today I went to school late and Vidal Sassoon the man made an appearance for a book signing.

Well, I'm too tired from being high to type.  Good night.

In the end we can only focus on ourselves.....

Don't you worry about your psychotic roomie because you are wasting your time.  He is doing everything he wants to do and then some more, like ruining my life here.  I think there should be a song about the death of friendships after being roommates.  Nothing is easy and it takes tremendous commitment and emotional maturity on both sides for a relationship to work.  You have to deserve each other and be a person of integrity and capable of loving.  Only few people are capable of a great love.  The rest are psychotic narcissists and the mentally ill running around loose.

I should become friends with my therapist.

Anyways, here's what I have planned to say to him:

"You need to take care of yourself and I cannot cater to you anymore.  You probably won't meet another person here who knows what you're truly like outside of school and still puts up with it. Don't take any of this the wrong way as I know you don't respond well to conflict and/or communication.  If you want my honest opinion, I think silent friends are harmful to growth because their silence only perpetuate old, nasty patterns of behavior.  Just because you've been this way and your friends back home know this does not make it excusable.  I don't think you treat me well and trying to be your friend is frustrating and upsetting. I know my limits as a nice person.  You may have it in you to be a good friend, but if you care to have a friendship with me you have to respectfully earn it."

Discontented with life here

I feel the need to rant and vent.  My roommate is a mean jerk and I am an idiot for choosing to live with him.  Call it desperation or loneliness.  That was my choice and it wasn't the wisest.  I hate living with him and I hate his personality.  There is nothing beneficial about having this kind of friend and waiting for him to have his good moments.  I can't bother with it.  The friendship is pretty much over.  I am going to move on not waste anymore thought or energy.  Fuck I am depressed, should I get on Celexa again?

I have to admit that I fumbled onto personal stuff.  I feel sorry for him that he is the way he is.  He can't have quality and close relationships with anyone because he is not willing to reflect or make room for improvement for himself.  Leading a person astray into thinking that things are not over is pretty cruel and selfish.  Mainly it's to make himself feel better.  I think he is a hateful and ugly person inside out.  He is rude, moody, doesn't greet you or wait for you at school or inform you about anything.

Do not expect or hope for anything from this person.  Again, just focus on yourself.  No matter how flawed and fucked up he is, the sum of his actions will only result in you resenting him and getting hurt.  I would hate to be his girlfriend.  He left her and then he flirted with me.  Of course, he's an immature baby and retreated and stepped back from being nice.  He was only being nice to get what he wanted.  No more favors for this douche.  I want to understand why I spend so much time being upset and getting affected by his presence.  I just can't tolerate it.  I think I feel "sick" living with him.  I want to have meaningful, respectful and healthy friendships.  I don't think the answer is turning to medication.  After soiree (or if I don't do it), I'm going to exercise everyday.