Last night I stayed over at Jenny's and hung out at far bar and edison's.  Jenny found a small studio to move into and it's quaint and artsy.  We had a burger at far bar and Mike treated us to drinks.  Then off to Edison's and Seth gave us free drink cards. After that we hung out at Jeff's place for a bit.

This morning I had to recover from last's night drinking.  It was tough.  I had upset stomach, chills and a massive headache.  I also felt retarded for writing such a long fb message to pms boy.  Jenny made me realize that he doesn't care to do anything so I wasted my time and now I'm just the "crazy" control freak girl.  So I'm keeping busy with Jenny and getting over my being mildly hurt.

Carlene set me up on a double date with her friend Chris.  He's totally not my type nor do I want to hang or talk to him as a friend.  What's the point if you're not interested?

Carlene set me up on a blind date with her and henry

We went to Sushi Roku and Carlene and Henry treated me for my 31st birthday.  That was sweet of them. I feel bad because I was late and kept them waiting.  I was introduced to their pal Chris.  He is a nice guy but I am not attracted to him at all.  I think Carlene is a terrible match maker.  At least she tried to do something nice for me.

Earlier today I went to school late and Vidal Sassoon the man made an appearance for a book signing.

Well, I'm too tired from being high to type.  Good night.

In the end we can only focus on ourselves.....

Don't you worry about your psychotic roomie because you are wasting your time.  He is doing everything he wants to do and then some more, like ruining my life here.  I think there should be a song about the death of friendships after being roommates.  Nothing is easy and it takes tremendous commitment and emotional maturity on both sides for a relationship to work.  You have to deserve each other and be a person of integrity and capable of loving.  Only few people are capable of a great love.  The rest are psychotic narcissists and the mentally ill running around loose.

I should become friends with my therapist.

Anyways, here's what I have planned to say to him:

"You need to take care of yourself and I cannot cater to you anymore.  You probably won't meet another person here who knows what you're truly like outside of school and still puts up with it. Don't take any of this the wrong way as I know you don't respond well to conflict and/or communication.  If you want my honest opinion, I think silent friends are harmful to growth because their silence only perpetuate old, nasty patterns of behavior.  Just because you've been this way and your friends back home know this does not make it excusable.  I don't think you treat me well and trying to be your friend is frustrating and upsetting. I know my limits as a nice person.  You may have it in you to be a good friend, but if you care to have a friendship with me you have to respectfully earn it."

Discontented with life here

I feel the need to rant and vent.  My roommate is a mean jerk and I am an idiot for choosing to live with him.  Call it desperation or loneliness.  That was my choice and it wasn't the wisest.  I hate living with him and I hate his personality.  There is nothing beneficial about having this kind of friend and waiting for him to have his good moments.  I can't bother with it.  The friendship is pretty much over.  I am going to move on not waste anymore thought or energy.  Fuck I am depressed, should I get on Celexa again?

I have to admit that I fumbled onto personal stuff.  I feel sorry for him that he is the way he is.  He can't have quality and close relationships with anyone because he is not willing to reflect or make room for improvement for himself.  Leading a person astray into thinking that things are not over is pretty cruel and selfish.  Mainly it's to make himself feel better.  I think he is a hateful and ugly person inside out.  He is rude, moody, doesn't greet you or wait for you at school or inform you about anything.

Do not expect or hope for anything from this person.  Again, just focus on yourself.  No matter how flawed and fucked up he is, the sum of his actions will only result in you resenting him and getting hurt.  I would hate to be his girlfriend.  He left her and then he flirted with me.  Of course, he's an immature baby and retreated and stepped back from being nice.  He was only being nice to get what he wanted.  No more favors for this douche.  I want to understand why I spend so much time being upset and getting affected by his presence.  I just can't tolerate it.  I think I feel "sick" living with him.  I want to have meaningful, respectful and healthy friendships.  I don't think the answer is turning to medication.  After soiree (or if I don't do it), I'm going to exercise everyday.

Music is what saves me...

I am alive because of the gift of music.  It makes me alright and is an incredible distraction and place to go to.  It's my own Uni world that no one can get to be in but me.  I discovered a singer that I recently like, Nicole Atkins.

I think what I like about Kenny is his shared enthusiasm about looking for inspiration.  Just apply this for myself musically! :)   Nicole Atkins is inspired by David Lynch movies and his dream-like sequences and montages.  I'm interested in now figuring out what kind of artist and sounds, feelings, memories, state that I'm usually drawn to.  It's like sharing my own inner world to others.  The most intimate invitation to my sensitive and emotional world.

What if I can imagine up a fantasy world for myself?  Okay.

I move to Florida to take voice lessons for a year with Jeremy.  Meanwhile I can do my salon assistant/apprenticeship there while improving my voice and learning and studying music!!  Then I can move back to LA and work as a hairstylist and be part of the local music scene.  I will brave up and join some music groups.  Either I do that or stay in LA and work for Gavert Atelier.  Or research both.  That is annoying because I think it will take me a long time to figure out which stylists I like and want to work for.  You have to find someone whose work and aesthetic taste that you approve and think is cool.  I happen to think Mika is good.  But is my version of good conservative and boring to others?  And where do I stand in the standard of good taste and style?

Well I said it was fantasy.  But it's difficult to choose either because they are each difficult on their own.  Is it worth it to make such decisions based on my love for music?  I basically put music and singing on my first list of priorities.  Is that insane of me?  I think I was meant to be born and die for music.

To be honest, I think my depression began when I finally gave up on the dream of singing.  The musical part of me died and I felt robbed of joy.  I was unable to do it also because of my social anxiety/performance.  I wanted to cry so deeply because I  wanted it so much.  And I buried that desire and put it somewhere but my heart's always been in it.  I'm 30.  Is it too late to try?

I don't think I should question it anymore beacause it doesn't matter.  Nothing matters in the end so all the more to just say fuck it and go against the grain.  Especially if it's truly what you wish.  But you must pay a big price because like bryan said, most people don't realize what hard work it is.  it is complete dedication and commitment.  fuck, i want to do it.  i want to live for it.  i'm going to live my life as an artist and musician in regards to how i live and approach my life.  i don't need to strive to be famous but i will die if i do not live fully in my own version of a rock star.  it's like zooey deschanel who has an awesome attitude and says the stage is our playground.  i think she is inspiriing and positive and beautiful.

find inspiration.  keep finding what you love and what makes you consider this world beautiful, sad and in between.  open your heart to it.

maybe just go to florida for a month and keep practicing after that.  make the commitment to visit for lessons whenever possible.  right now, i can only make short-term goals.  no time for long term goals.  wow, this is called growing up.  growing up really sucks.  lol.

Carlene is setting me up on a double date this Fri

I cannot afford to waste my time on the wrong people.

I certainly have daddy issues and am always inclined toward those with unhealthy minds.  At the same time, I am also drawn to aloof men who are emotionally unavailable and poor communicators.  There is a sense of familiarity with this type of male and my hope that I can be the one to open them up and that they will change for me.  It is a kind of sick and twisted fantasy.  It may be that I'm also a very sensual being and my lack of receiving affection growing up has made me hunger for it even more.  I will go to lengths to be hopeful for the wrong person.  In a way I am satisfying my curiosity and challenge, but do I really need to do it?  I live with a child.  He is not my father but he is equally emotionally immature and instead of it being a turn off, I fantasize about the day that he will initiate something as there is some tension between us.  I could be wrong about now, but it used to exist.  The fact that he makes me feel insecure has part to do with the attraction.  So fucked up right?  If he gave me everything I wouldn't appreciate him.  Sigh.  I need to date a good man.

I'm going on a double date this Friday with Carlene and Henry.  Don't think too much.  Just do it.  Maybe even smoke a little pot beforehand.

Extremely stressed out

I woke up feeling super stressed.  I'm going to shower, clean up, take a walk to Izzy's for breakfast and then come back to study.  Never mind the pile of clothes I need to donate in the living room.  Get a chapter of something done so that you feel better.  Then find a yoga class or something soon.  Do some stateboard reading and then do some sassoon reading on color & cut.

Edward Bess & V-day

So I met Edward Bess today!  He's only 25 and he successfully launched his line at Bergdorf Goodman 4 years ago.  I'm inspired to do what he does.  Just go for your passion and the rest will follow.  I think I will move to Florida or at least take tons of singing lessons there!

I also met his sales assistant Jamie, who is a sweetheart.  She wants me to cut her hair!  She has my number so she's gonna give me a call.  I'm nervous about it but what the heck, it's just a trim!  I should totally do it without freaking out.  I'm going to practice and study like crazy.  Who knows?  I may do very well in this profession and meet a lot of people.  This may be the bigger ticket to fame than networking thru musicians.

I spent a shit load of money today. I mean huge.  Here's the damage:

Concealer in Ivory Nude
Lipstick in Secret Desire
Lipgloss in French Lace

From the Eye Love You set:

Soft Smoke eyeshadow trio
Mascara in Deep Black
Eyeliner in Deep Black

From the Midnight Sun boxed set:

Bronzer in Daydream
All over Seduction in Sunlight
Bronzer brush

The damage was nearly $400 plus tax.  Yikes.  Happy Valentine's Day!!

After seeing Laurie this morning, today's goal is to practice self-care and put myself in my imaginary bubble to establish boundaries with Aaron and his terrible moods.  It's Valentine's Day and he's a grumpy bitch.

Figured out what I want from Aaron

I figured it out.  I want it to be purely platonic in the romantic sense, but to have a close friendship of understanding and mutual respect and love.

He is truly a child and has a mood disorder.  He can be manic and be a compulsive spender and get giddy and happy about things.  And then he has these intense, mean reactions to other things where he can suddenly become depressed, irritable or just unpleasant.  It affects me and it reminds me of Fung when she was younger.

There is no need to feel anxious at home.  Just do your own thing and not get affected by him.  Don't take his reactions personally at all.  But still be a kind friend and point out his wrong doings tactfully.  Now that I know that I have no romantic feelings for him, please take your sexual frustrations out on another guy or start looking for one.  Or...  just focus on yourself and getting your license and the most of hair for the next 4 weeks.  Just don't go out for the time being.

Sluggish and tired

Sigh.  It's Thursday late hour.  I have no energy and I had a skimpy meal of fiber one bar and a banana to last me the entire day.  That is barely enough fuel to keep me going.  I did a bleach and tone and started from 11:30-6pm.  Ridiculous.  The client I did Sarah, was sweet and she's a musician/composer that lives out in Silverlake.  Maybe color would be good for me.  Especially out in Florida.  There's a glimmer of hope, but the spark isn't fully there either.

I guess I don't feel like opening up or chatting with Aaron when I come home because he just ignores me and doesn't greet me.  His grumpy mood makes me feel uncomfortable.  Plus I am too tired to bother with him.  Just like he said he couldn't bother with me when I avoided him a few days for triggering my feelings of shame and embarrassment for not having much job experience.  Anyways, I am setting limits with his mood.  I end up wanting to do my own thing so I just live on with my single behavior at home.

I have enough of my own problems to worry about someone that is mentally ill and likes me but is a pain in the ass to deal with.  My family is here and I'd rather hang with them.

Good night.

What to explore with Laurie

I need to know what is wrong with me for having a pattern of choosing odd, unsuitable partners to be with.  I'm afraid that I will not have enough time to get my shit together and that I will be old while everyone else has settled.  

Why am I having strange feelings for someone unlikely and someone that I didn't have a good impression of to begin with?  Getting to know him is difficult and even though he is a friend, he is just insensitive and blunt.  He's not what I normally find physically attractive and he's secretive.  But emotionally there is some compatibility. He treated me sweetly and I was happy.  It was simple.  I think he changed his mind after.  But I think I'm going to have to face the fact that he won't treat me like this ever again.  Once he makes a decision it is set and fixed in.  And he doesn't express his feelings, thoughts.  I will never know what he feels or thinks.  I'm lonely and I want to be wanted by someone.  I need to forget him.

After mock board, I'm going to schedule an appointment with Laurie.

He talks with a frown on his face most of the time.  Very serious, frowns a lot, explains things in a hurried impatient manner, and he's just a skinny guy.  When he gets cute, he wants to raid my closet and belongings and get cuddly on the couch.  The next time he is in a cuddly mood I should just be moody and do my own thing.  How many times have I been in an kind, friendly, upbeat state and he's just brooding?  I do not have to consider him AT ALL.  End of story.

Fuck.  I am wasting time.

Basically, he hit a very sensitive, troubled spot in my heart today.

He asked me what sort of jobs and years of experience I previously had.  I had very little.  And he replied, "I knew it!"  Then he asked what I studied and I said music.  And he asked if I ever worked in the music industry?  And I said... I considered it before but decided that only money could be made in the artistry and teaching side of it.  I said that I only dated people that worked in the industry.  Then he just said, "no, I'm asking if you did it?"  And I said no and that I don't want to talk about it....  Then I was in a horribly, sad mood and I ended up bottling up in my room.  Feeling embarrassed about my accomplishments and also feel like a loser to him.  And I'm smoking again.  I have so little guidance and drive and I'm not excited about what I'm doing.  I should be preparing for graduation and my license but I'm not.

Sigh.

I live with the enemy :(

So I moved out of my place in Santa Monica and I now live with Aaron.  He upsets me.  Living with him makes me feel like shit about myself.  It's like having social anxiety part two.  I'm too sensitive and I take things so personally.  I need to explore what I am feeling because my goal is to move beyond it with the aid of therapy.  Can I practice my therapy while I am in this miserable place?

I am miserable living here.  I have terrible anxiety with Aaron.  Why can't I just not care and say fuck it?  Yes Uni...

Fuck it.

You only live once and you live for nobody but YOURSELF.  You have no time to think about or consider other people because you are out to make the world for yourself.  It doesn't even matter what they think.  You can only be yourself.

I can go on and on for reasons that Aaron is an idiot and downright uncool.  And it doesn't matter what he is.  I can name other reasons that most other guys would love me and find me adorable.

I guess I'm hurt because he doesn't want me that way anymore.  And he's no longer kind and sweet to me.  And I guess everyday I hope that he's just pretending that he's not interested.  I guess things can quickly become irrelevant when he changes his mind.  I want him to want me.  Sigh.

I may need to get on antidepressants again.  It's either that or spend most of my time with my mom and brother while they are around LA.  I think the second one sounds like a better idea.

It is now 7:09pm.  I'm going to shower, eat and then go over state board and nothing else.

Tomorrow I will be ready for Locks for Love.  I'm going to wake up my usual time and leave the house at 8:10am.  Which means that I'll just wake up at 7:30 or 7:40 am the latest.

I think Aaron is very blunt with me and I take it badly.  He says that Emma is using me and ditches us when her boyfriend is around.  I don't really care.  Just another person to hang with I guess.  People can't always be loyal and close.  They are social friends.

Aaron and I are more than social friends.  We are actual friends.  But it is highly unlikely for a romance to bud.   I have a feeling that it would be a disaster.

I need someone kind and generous without secretiveness and a grudge.  I am not longing or fantasizing or escaping.  I am sticking to business.

Finish showering and blow dry by 8:15pm.
Eat salad and replenish liquids.
Study state board materials.
Snack.  Go to sleep.