6 more weeks until graduation

SIX WEEKS!!  Then I'm home free....

Under no circumstance are you going to pine or fall for any guys.  Stick to your guns because Aaron is a serious disaster.  He won't treat me well.  He's rude to me conversationally and plays games.  He talked about how he found Darcie very attractive.  And how the other new girls in class are cute.  Only young boys play games and make others jealous.  I don't like games and you've crossed the line to get anywhere with me.  Only a mature guy that genuinely likes me would ask me out by now.  So no, I don't have time for child's play.  In fact, he doesn't deserve to have his name on my phone.  His name is rude boy.

I love Interpol and The Strokes

I love indie rock.  I wish I could take a rock history and appreciation class.  I love music and I love to sing. But I rarely, if ever, do the second one.  I just dream and think about it.  That's pretty sad isn't it?

My dreams to make come true in my lifetime..........

Honestly, it is not a bad thing to want all the things I want for my life.  I must explore and remove the obstacles that prevent me from living a fuller life.

1.  To become a great singer and move to Florida

2.  To marry the man of my dreams

3.  To be a great friend and have a strong and big social support of family and friends.  To have everyone want to be around your presence

4.  To help others in less fortunate situations.  Explore my humanitarian, INFP personality by volunteering and figuring out which issues are important to me.  Counseling? Therapist? 

5.  Get cosmetology license.  Get financially independent.

6.  Exercise and become a healthy and great dancer!

7.  To overcome my social anxiety and related issues and to quit smoking pot.  Be more productive 2011.
8.  To be a good person, whole and complete

I don't necessarily want to be a hair dresser for long but I'd like to explore the one-on-one aspect of it in making a client feel good about themselves and being a friend.

PROS:

Since I am a bit of a sociologist, I want to get as much perspective into the minds and views of different walks of life.  Learn.  Ask questions.  Just take care of others and make them feel beautiful.  This could possibly be a way or transition into being a therapist later on when I have the life experience.  Or possibly be an awesome singer.  I must think about my target clientele.  If I work with the rich and snotty, that will be a different outlook.  Hmmm......  I think I will try it all.

I want to work on being a better person for my own well-being.  Being a therapist would require these skills:

Must be able to set aside personal beliefs when working with patients.
Be comfortable working with all walks of life
Strong interpersonal skills
Patient
Confidential

Beware of the tiger

It's not that I have a hidden agenda against anyone but I just cannot win with a Tiger.  So instead of resisting it is better to go along with it but stay in stealth mode.  I'm going to suck the best out of Aaron and his hair skills if he lets me.  Let's see what kind of friend he becomes.  Everyday from this point on, I'm going to go to school on time and walk with him.  Then I'm going to study state board and get my hair license.  With any leftover time I'll make the best of it and see what I can learn from him about hair.

With regards to friendship, keep it light and affectionate but don't let him sleep with you.  It is very likely that it won't happen and he's not interested.  But in the event that it does, explain to him about the cons in a kind way.  Explain to him that you don't want to compromise the friendship and the age difference will not work out.  We simply don't have the time and it will not go anywhere.

Keep firm to this.  This is your chance to succeed this year.  Make the best out of it and stay on the positive outlook.

Time is a monster

No wasting the best years of your life waiting around for something that's likely not going to happen...


I'm not gonna beat around the bush.  If Aaron wants me then I need to find out soon.  He has been confusing the shit out of me lately and I think that's because he's toned down his behavior since our last text quarrel.  I think he was just flirting in his rude, intense manner which turned me off.  My response probably hurt and irritated him but he was being immature in a stupid joking way.  I just need affection and someone to shower me with attention.  


In the beginning he would carry my bag and stuff, and then Emma would say that he's more like a boyfriend.  But he wouldn't reveal anything.  He's a secretive type of guy.  But something happened one night.  He got more flirtatious than usual when we were in the car.  He was behaving funny.  He joked about why I wanted to go to my room "do you want to make out?" and then about us needing candlelight in my car.  And when I used to drop him off to his place he would give me a nice, long hug.  


But there are things about him that turn me off too.  I think he is self-absorbed in some ways that make him selfish and insensitive to those around him.  We are officially roommates and I will move in this coming weekend.  He didn't express any excitement for that.  At least not like before....  or maybe that depends on his mood?


Either way, I don't think he will ever let me enter his psyche and heart.

Pretty desperate and pathetic

I think that lately I've been lame and hopeful for a guy that is not mature enough.

I drove him to Gardena so that he could get a pair of shears.  He treated us to lunch but then that's it.  No discussion in the car and no attention toward me.  He's so obsessed with his shears that nothing else could distract or take his mind off it.  It's really annoying and selfish of him.  It's a result of him being privileged and being spoiled.  This happens to so many Asian men.    I can't expect anything of him.  He may be so immature and shy and unwilling to make a move.

What I'm going to do now is withdraw from offering any favors to him.  I want to see what he would do for me.  He is a boy and I have to be understanding of his mentally immature age.  It's so pathetic that I'm even finding reasons to like him.  I am that lonely and pathetic.  Sigh.  I need to get out and meet more men.

Nothing real is ever ideal

Sigh.  I need love, affection and sex from an adoring and attractive partner.  I don't know if the right life circumstances will allow me to meet that person.  Maybe everything is random.  I don't know.

This is all horny talk, but I think Aaron would actually be a good lover.  But anything else would probably be a disaster.  I just fantasize about him. Maybe things are meant to be simpler but it's hard to live that way.  We all want more and more out of life. He finds a time during a day to touch me.  Today he patted my shoulders and put his arms around me.  Then when we headed home and I was driving, he lightly stroked my right leg (side of upper thigh and slightly below my ass) and asked me if I was ticklish.  What a god damn flirt.  Next time I will respond by pulling him toward me.  What could hurt if something happened between us?  We could always keep it a secret.  I think I am growing a crush on him.  Damn.  We are about to be roommates.

My anxiety

I smoke too much pot to numb my anxiety and fears.

I must do more research on medical marijuana and its affect on anxiety and depression.

I must understand what it is I am feeling about Aaron.  Sometimes I think I just fantasize a lot because I want to be loved and receive physical affection.  I also want to escape my lonely reality.  Other times I tell myself he is not someone I should even think about hooking up with.  I think we are better off as friends but something changed between us.  I can't be easy-going anymore and there is a weird tension between us.  I get jealous and upset when he gives others attention and ignores me.

I know I am suffering from something and it's probably time that I get myself help.  So how do I not get so emotional and upset around him?  And he's completely flawed and a bit of a weirdo himself.  I don't really understand him and I must learn what's going on with him.  Does he have a mental illness, does he have split personality?

I should SING

I want to redefine soul because it is lacking and uninspiring in the modern world.

I want to be an amazing singer and want all my psychological obstacles to be removed.  I want to be a soulful singer with a great voice.  That is first and foremost in this life of mine especially when I don't have to consider anything else that we are attached to in our modern life.  These obstacles include our fears,  money, work, a sense of purpose, our family and peers in our modern society.

Honest to God, I don't know what else I could be doing and I don't have the desire to search.  I just want to sing and do what it takes to get on that stage and pour my heart out.  I want to live fearlessly.  

Music and soul is my truth.  Maybe that is what will open the doors to my world of truth, beauty, life and art.

The truth is.....do I still need therapy?

Hum.  I'm not happy lately and neither do I want to complain about it.  I'm trying to avoid sinking into self-pity and trying to be grateful.  But maybe I am not a grateful person.  By saying that, do I mean that I am suffering from some kind of low-self esteem that still stems from my social anxiety?  Am I still not giving myself enough credit for my abilities or am I just plain lazy and suffering from it?  What do I need to do to find happiness?

Do I as a person need to earn for what I already have?

Some things I'm not thrilled about lately:

1)  I still have no idea if I want to do hair and I'm lazy and uninspired to do the work.  I still haven't figured out that possible career path.  I don't want to waste anymore time.

2)  I need to be rescued from my lonely life

3)  I'm sexually frustrated and desire a good man in my life.  That person is not here.  Yet I find myself having to use male substitutes in my current life to fill in that fantasy.  I am so great at fantasizing.  Add some pot to the mix and I can settle less or tolerate a guy that I'm neutral about.  But there's a huge deficit of potential mates at this point.  Embarrassed to say, right now it's my buddy Aaron.  I am not physically attracted to him.  He's scrawny, weird facial structure, fobby and has no class.  His Singaporean gangster vibe and feminine tendencies turn me off.  But emotionally I am connected to him.  I have no clue what I feel for him or what he may feel for me.  It probably doesn't matter that much.  This is my mind's way of helping me to escape from my empty and meaningless life.  And maybe I am blaming others for not fulfilling that need.  I need to take responsibility for my own feelings and not blame others.  Expectations of others is not a good thing.  Just think...what would I do without others?

4)  I think pot is ruining my productivity.  But I am sick and tired of my life and don't think I can stand this same bullshit everyday at Sassoon Academy.  I learned SHIT at this school.  I think the quality of education blows.  I'm tired of tolerating and putting up with my annoying classmates.  Justine's voice is fucking annoying.  Tiffany is irritating and emotionally immature and just downright dumb.  Both of them are extreme white trash.  Lexi is a major bossy bitch.  She also has a oblong face and big head and proportionally weird facial features.  Cara just looks like a crackhead that makes it to class everyday.  Kudos to her for making it.  Sarah is just a girlie girl that gets irritating with her uncomplicated mind but her taste is so conventional and goody goody.  She has no real edge.  Raphael is too soft and snotty at first impression. He can cater to the rich and frou frou and will probably do fine.  Justin.  Well I respect him.  Nothing to dislike about him except that he really knows how to kiss ass.  Maybe I wish I had an ounce of his salesmanship.  I don't really connect well with the girls in class.  I have no beef with Tarran.  She is the neutral one of the group.  Aaron is moody and snarky and cynical, but he's artsy in experimental and edgy inspired concepts.  Oh and there's Racquel who I couldn't think of until last because we hardly see her.  I used to think she was an annoying bitch but since I've figured out that that is her own problem (pity her) she is neutral in my book again.  On the flipside, knowing what a person is like in the end lessens the whole social anxiety bit.


I think I should just show up and continue being a pothead.  I should really think about what is important to me and my life.  Once I figure out what that is I need to set out a plan to live that way.  Whatever is getting in the way or blocking me I must remove it or learn to live more fully and uninhibited.

happy 2011

the end of the year and the beginning of the year seemed a bit rough and frustrating....  but i've sorted that with plenty of pot and trucking on.  i do a lot for my friends but i felt i was not included in anyone's nye plans.  that is not anyone's fault because i know that i am cared for....but in the end we can only care for ourselves.  i know that i am sad and lonely as ever, but i'm going to try to smile and work hard for my happiness.

i spent some money lately...  2 pairs of shoes (think i'll return the pointy oxfords...i'll be more than happy to keep the stuart weitzman ankle vintage-inspired heels.  i also like the tops i got at zara.  a couple camel colored tops, an oversized top and legging pants.  i think i'll shop there more often!  buying their stuff on sale is so much better than shopping at h&m or F21.  also i much prefer shopping for high designers on sale for unique items.  i watched "the tourist" with aaron today.  it was more of a feel good movie.  johnny depp is just amazing, charming and funny.  i dream of an attractive man that will love me that much.  i can dream too, right?  :)

purchased this weekend:

flying lotus, cosmogramma and los angeles
band of horses, cease to begin
zara military tag sweater & a sheer top w/ elbow patches both in camel family shades
zara oversized distressed sweater in navy
sw ankle heels
a&f flannel top in red/navy ($25 gc from fung)

for nye kenny treated me to dinner at shinsengumi, new bud, and a louis vuitton briefcase in mint condition

returning:
those pointy oxford shoes...  i think they are too stiff and snug for my liking.  they elongate my feet in a way that i'm not too thrilled about.  i don't like feeling like i have scuba shoes on. lol