Emma's soiree

It was really amazing. So good. I think everyone in there is going to be successful. Beatrice, Emma, Ginger, John Carlos...these are the memorable ones. I can't help envying Beatrice because she is a pretty girl, stylish, intelligent with talents in journalism, fashion and hair. I am inspired to be a fashionista in my own way.

But where I believe I truly shine is an area that I need to explore, nurture and develop. I need to stop listening to everyone else and only care to do what I want. What my heart and being knows to be right. I hope that what Kevyn and Bryan saw in me is true because it is very easy for me to doubt my strength. I question whether or not I will be good at it and I fear that I will fail. I fear that I will have nothing to show for.

I think I'm going to buy a guitar and teach myself. That or even an electronic piano. Or sing. In SF I felt faraway from my dream. It was a tiny seed planted. How on earth am I to battle singing, performing, possibly even writing when I am plagued with social anxiety? I think the point is really not about "making it" as a goal. It has more to do with my fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by others. More than the passion itself but that's not how it should be. I really think and believe that this time when I decide to move there is real purpose behind it. It is to find my identity and push my limits and go for the passion of singing. I love it so much and fear of it at the same time. I can possibly go to a performance anxiety therapist/coach and work on everything. I am working on myself and I am going to a far away place to do that. It is absolutely terrifying but it is the only way that I am ever going to live and be happy. Happiness is a by product of dealing with sadness. I know what makes me feel alive inside. I am going to chase my passions again.

I am not doing much else thrilling here in Arcadia and a change of scenery could be better. It shouldn't make me feel more lonely. The truth is with the rate of technology, getting connected is really at your fingertips. And making the time to see people. Otherwise we are each in our own universe. I could apply to work at gavert atelier but no singing to look forward to.

If I go to Taipei and later Miami it will force me to quit weed. It will force me to hunt for hair models, to make friends, take care of myself, and grow the fuck up. I grew up with so much anxiety that it turned to a general feeling of malaise. This is a self and personal journey more than anything else.