My thoughts lately...

I think I am experiencing a lot of anxiety because I don't know how to plan out my life right now.

I do need to talk to Laurie about my worries and concerns.  I'm always talking about other people and their problems.  The one thing I have committed myself to right now is getting exercise and it still feels like a lot of work.  All I did was sign up for a trainer and paid to get someone else to help me reach my goal.  And I could barely make it through the exercises that Russell's been giving me.

At this point, my concern is not about hanging around people and partying.  I don't want to see Jenny or Kenny.  That leaves me pretty much with no one.  I sincerely do not want to hang out with Kenny.  There is something wrong with him.  He is way too spacey.  And it annoys the shit out of me.  He is socially retarded.  And Jenny is getting old, her English is worse and she's mentally deteriorating.  I have not seen her in awhile because none of us have been calling each other.  I basically don't even think about her now or at least I don't allow myself to.  I don't think I miss her really.  I'm just not all that interested in hanging out with other people right now.  The other people that I could be talking to frankly, I feel my role with them is because they want to talk therapy.  I can't help Kenny, Jenny, and I cannot concern my matters too much with Kris, Linda and Jenny whom I'm barely getting to know.  The only person I might try getting to know is someone out of this puny, sad social network that I currently have.

But I just don't want to hang out with anyone right now.  I'm tired of people.  I'm tired of choosing odd people and I'm afraid to make a new friend that isn't odd because that's my tendency.  I think the only thing I care about right now is MYSELF.

Did I just write that?  Yes.  I am all about helping myself succeed.  I am doing hair right now so I can allow myself to hangout with Emma and meet up with classmates like Justin or get to know Lydia.  These are people I won't see very much of in my life so it's good to get in touch with others.

I am going to enjoy my time at home.  I WILL purchase a flight to Florida to get some lessons.  I can spend my time leisurely in Florida.  Then I'll make a decision about what to do while I'm in Taiwan.  Why not, I can even take a break and don't have to work immediately.  I can take a year long break even if I want.  It's my fucking life.

Oh, and right now I am truly considering laser hair removal.  Why not?  I've been spending so much on material things.  I want to work on my physical health now and yes that involves beauty too that is not superficially altering.  

So I'm going to fix the way I eat by having breakfast at the start of each day.