What I did by staying in SM late Sunday night and Monday

So....have I been productive?

When I got home last night Aaron wasn't home.  (I spent a movie afternoon with Kenny and smoked a joint in the parking lot.  I also picked up the new dmv license registration card.)

This morning I woke up around 9am (it's daylight savings spring one hour forward).

I cleaned the apartment (hardwood floors, carpets, and family room and cleaned the bathroom shower, tub as well as bleaching the kitchen sink).  I also did 3 loads of laundry including my bedding, dropped my clothes at the dry cleaner's and picked up lunch at Santa Monica Seafood.

I am now going to spend the early evening until bedtime to work on my abc and hair notes.  It's kind of nice to run some errands and then smoke, and then work on your stuff at a relaxed pace until bedtime.  I'll have about 4 hours, which is pretty much all the concentration I could ever have.  Really also spend some time reading the notes.  So a good balance of notes and videos.

Living with Aaron is like being in a bad relationship. Almost like the way my parent's marriage felt over the years.  Now I am in my mother's shoes battling it.  He did like me before and I rejected his advances.  It's because he's a psychotic borderline and I need to be with someone kind, honest, communicative and emotionally mature.  The day at WF he asked me if I still missed him and gave me a hug from behind.  There was something in the beginning but it was brief.  Even I fantasized about what it might be like with him.  I have a tendency to fantasize about what it may be like with someone.  But that is called idealization and I'm sex starved.

I have a microfiber sheet that I have to dry but I'm too lazy to go out to get a quarter to dry it in the machine.  Ugh.  I'd rather not care about what happens to it.  Maybe Aaron (uh if he does his laundry) will dry it for me. LOL.  What a silly thought.  That guy would not do anything nice for you.  Don't expect tiny miracles.  LOL.  Stay very, very very, very, very. very far far far far away from Aaron.  He is pure poison for you right now.  He is going through problems right now that you should stay out of.  It will not benefit you.  He doesn't want to do anything about it right now.

Yes, spend a good amount of self-care and quality time for yourself.  Treat yourself real good.  =)

And don't feel guilty for it.  Buy what you want, eat what you want, rest and give yourself the pampering this entire month while you study.  Study is central, but allow yourself all the pleasures to yourself.

Working towards getting my Sassoon diploma and hair license

There are a TON of things I will work on:

Re-organize my cutting and color notebook
Study ABC cutting manual, head sheets and finger positions
Writing down everything verbatim on ABC dvd (master all 12 cuts)
Same for the Sassoon Contemporary Classics
Study for stateboard (read cosmo book on hair, color and chemicals)
Watch and collect Sassoon collection dvds
Assist for instructors
Work with Emma when we are placed together

Get competitive with Aaron.  He graduates in September.  My expected graduation date is April 20.  Today is March 12 leaving me with 27 days left starting next Tuesday. I have a 3-day weekend.  Although I'd like to go to Florida, I think my mind is more focused on learning about hair for the next month.  I never thought that I'd concern myself with something else other than singing but it happened.  If I get my diploma by the 20th, I will treat myself to a one week trip to Florida.

For the month of May, there is a possibility that I could go to Taipei and learn everything about hair from the very, very best.  I plan on learning at an accelerated pace and becoming pro.

Aaron smells weird.  Looks weird. Sounds and talks weird. Physically slouchy and scrawny.  Walks weird and kind of sissy and useless for a straight male.  He has an off putting personality that has borderline traits.  I don't see him as a stylish person but just a technically strong cutter who likes to play with scissors.  He's socially weird too so I can't see high end customers liking him.  He has neither the social etiquette or charm.  I definitely have potential to be more prestigious than him.

Now I gotta live through this

I think I'm depressed.  Therapy isn't really helping, my living situation sucks because I live with a ghost, my father and I have a strange distant relationship, I have few friends, and no partner and I feel my face and body aging.

Also, my hair cutting skills are very mediocre and I don't think I understand the concepts very well.  Tina and Sally aren't very friendly.  They are ultra judgmental but that could be my projection of them.  Whatever.  I didn't come to Sassoon to be like cutthroat Justin.  And I'm not ultra competitive like Aaron.  But maybe I should be!  Maybe I oughta study the SHIT out of my ABC manual.

I have Thursday and Friday to review some material.  I think I'll do it to gain a better understanding of cut and color.  Let's do it.

Made it through Soiree

What has happened to American Idol.  It's become so commercialized, karaoke-like and only perpetuates the recording studio crap sound.  Ugh.  This makes me want to be an even better singer than ever.  Honestly, I just want to keep singing and I like the aesthetic sound that Jeremy has.  I think it would be a bit extreme to suddenly move to Florida and make a decision of studying there for a year.  That is no longer possible and I must get over it.  I had my chance when I had it and I blew it.  Not intentionally of course but because I wasn't emotionally strong and stable.

So I completed Soiree day.  Big pat on the back for getting thus far.  But the day left me feeling sad.  I didn't have family or friends to see me graduate from Sassoon.  The only person I could come home to was my roommate who I don't even get that along with.  How sad is that?  Plus I think it also makes me feel sad about having a relationship with Irv.  He was often absent-minded and too busy to remember things about me, especially dates and events important to me.  He can't be bothered with things like this.

I sincerely cannot get along with Aaron.  If there was one thing I'd like to get from him it's his knowledge of hair.  But everything else about him annoys the shit out of me and I can't bother with his borderline personality behavior.  The BPD is already a huge negative.  Plus on top of that he has no physical looks and health.  Definitely the last person you'd want to get romantically connected to.  You can't at all because mentally he is sick.  He knows he has a mental illness.

Getting older is a bit depressing.  I had to say it.  But trying to live optimistically is difficult.

I'm just tired now and I think it's the fucking indica.  I was nice to my hair model because I bought him clothes from H&M for Soiree and gave him a free haircut.  I really just needed to get through to graduation.  He really had bad hygiene and he's a bit weird/dorky.  But I think he could tell I was a nice person and he even offered to hangout cuz he knew I had no family that came to visit me.  Anyways, he says that I remind him of his best friend's mom.

Our group had a good soiree.  I'll miss the girls a lot.  One part of me is depressed and hopeful and yet unsure of where to head at this point.

I think that I will just study hard from now on, for at least another month.  Don't rely on other people.  Just gain what you can from the current abc manual and dvd.  Maybe Emma can help you a ton.

Soiree week

I got through day one of prepping on week 44, our graduation week.  I'm listening to Nicole Atkins and slightly high with an achy jaw and headache.  Today was a bit stressful because I really didn't feel like partaking our soiree.  At least I got a hair model with the help of Lexi.  I felt inadequate with my scissor over comb but Lexi's friend was pretty cool about it.  West, he was just a gay male version of Lexi.

Before I go to sleep I should think of something cool to do for color on West's hair.  After that, all I have to concern myself with for Wednesday is my outfit and doing the finishing touches on West, his makeup and wardrobe.  What a character.  It will actually be fun.  I should at least try to enjoy this.  Maybe even be a little high! :)  Nah.  I can do this sober and really take all of it in.  Smile Uni.

I really do get distracted often.  If not with shopping and music, then with other people and their problems. Like right now, I am thinking about Aaron and wondering whether he has borderline personality disorder BPD.  Soiree is in two days so first things are first.  Deal with other worries later.

Think about what you'd like to do for color.  Look at the color dvd on men's comb on color and possibly some unique color sections on the internet.

Realizations

Not everyone can be helped or wants to get help.  Sometimes minding your own business and focusing on self-care is better.

Learn to observe others and figure out what kind of people you want around you.  Invite only good energy and rid of those that poison you.  He is the type of person that will not change for anyone.  He is selfish, uncommunicative, inflexible, and uncaring if you don't comply with him. He has malicious thoughts of others and is competitive.  Things must go according to him and that is the only way he will treat his friends adoringly.  But it must go his way.  He has a horrible grudge and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. It's not healthy or worth bothering with him.  There are so many people out there that love you for who you are and would like to be your friend.  You know this person or being will just be a cloudy thought with the passing of time.  So quit shaming yourself and know that you will get through this.  All you seem to want right now is for someone to care and show concern.  Support and encouragement is what you need.  But he has proven and showed you that he simply does not have a care in his heart.  He does not care.  That is the reality of it.  You don't want or need to win his support or friendship because you have the heart of a real winner.  He has an ugly soul.  I believe in karma and I think he deserves everything that is him today.  He's scrawny, unattractive and odd looking and there is nothing appealing about his mannerisms or personality.  He gives for the wrong reasons.  He gives to fill his void of being an empty soul that needs love.  But only to those that let him be a child.  He may never have the capacity to improve but at least he is aware of what he is doing.

You are magnetic, charming and endearing.  You are lucky and deserving too because fortunately, the friends around you want to help you and they do care.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!

School, then getting high pretty much

What's stressing me out:

1)  I can't seem to dig up enough visuals for my inspiration board.  I simply don't have the energy and time for this.  Urgh.

2)  Well I have Wes, Lexi's friend as my hair model to think about.  I want to review my ABC manual this week and look at the trident video.  I have to do the headsheet as well.

3)  Things are awkward between me and my roommate.  What do I say to him now?

Hey Aaron,

May I say something?  I want you to know that it didn't feel good for me to say some of the things I wrote you.  If it came off sounding harsh it was probably because in that moment I overreacted.