Okay.... I think the best thing to do is to just take off a month or two and learn singing everyday!! I can get a part-time job or I can keep working out, sing and study for state board once I get the date. Meanwhile I can also search for a salon to possibly work at. It will all be about searching for options. I can rent someone's place. But stay at a hotel for two days.
Maybe it's better to do this after state board and getting my license.
Right now I am going to quit smoking pot and sing everyday. Workout and study very hard for state board.
Sigh. Seriously, I am having a lot of anxiety over deciding what to do. Both make me nervous. It's time to make a list of pros and cons.
MIAMI
PROS:
-I get to train with Jeremy and develop my voice potential
-I get to work with lots of long hair and ethnic hair
CONS:
-I don't know a soul there
-I don't develop clientele there
LOS ANGELES
PROS:
-I develop my career and clientele in my home based town
CONS
-I will never be able to go once I start here.....at least for 2 years.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Commitments for myself
Hanging out with Kenny pisses me off. I just want to bully and criticize him for the way he is. He is kind and soft spoken but he is also dumb, boring, unattractive, and a loser. Stop hanging with this dude. Just tell him to wire your shit to you. Fuck, I have to make cookies for Carlene and it's annoying. Fucking crazy bitch.
Emma's soiree
It was really amazing. So good. I think everyone in there is going to be successful. Beatrice, Emma, Ginger, John Carlos...these are the memorable ones. I can't help envying Beatrice because she is a pretty girl, stylish, intelligent with talents in journalism, fashion and hair. I am inspired to be a fashionista in my own way.
But where I believe I truly shine is an area that I need to explore, nurture and develop. I need to stop listening to everyone else and only care to do what I want. What my heart and being knows to be right. I hope that what Kevyn and Bryan saw in me is true because it is very easy for me to doubt my strength. I question whether or not I will be good at it and I fear that I will fail. I fear that I will have nothing to show for.
I think I'm going to buy a guitar and teach myself. That or even an electronic piano. Or sing. In SF I felt faraway from my dream. It was a tiny seed planted. How on earth am I to battle singing, performing, possibly even writing when I am plagued with social anxiety? I think the point is really not about "making it" as a goal. It has more to do with my fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by others. More than the passion itself but that's not how it should be. I really think and believe that this time when I decide to move there is real purpose behind it. It is to find my identity and push my limits and go for the passion of singing. I love it so much and fear of it at the same time. I can possibly go to a performance anxiety therapist/coach and work on everything. I am working on myself and I am going to a far away place to do that. It is absolutely terrifying but it is the only way that I am ever going to live and be happy. Happiness is a by product of dealing with sadness. I know what makes me feel alive inside. I am going to chase my passions again.
I am not doing much else thrilling here in Arcadia and a change of scenery could be better. It shouldn't make me feel more lonely. The truth is with the rate of technology, getting connected is really at your fingertips. And making the time to see people. Otherwise we are each in our own universe. I could apply to work at gavert atelier but no singing to look forward to.
If I go to Taipei and later Miami it will force me to quit weed. It will force me to hunt for hair models, to make friends, take care of myself, and grow the fuck up. I grew up with so much anxiety that it turned to a general feeling of malaise. This is a self and personal journey more than anything else.
But where I believe I truly shine is an area that I need to explore, nurture and develop. I need to stop listening to everyone else and only care to do what I want. What my heart and being knows to be right. I hope that what Kevyn and Bryan saw in me is true because it is very easy for me to doubt my strength. I question whether or not I will be good at it and I fear that I will fail. I fear that I will have nothing to show for.
I think I'm going to buy a guitar and teach myself. That or even an electronic piano. Or sing. In SF I felt faraway from my dream. It was a tiny seed planted. How on earth am I to battle singing, performing, possibly even writing when I am plagued with social anxiety? I think the point is really not about "making it" as a goal. It has more to do with my fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by others. More than the passion itself but that's not how it should be. I really think and believe that this time when I decide to move there is real purpose behind it. It is to find my identity and push my limits and go for the passion of singing. I love it so much and fear of it at the same time. I can possibly go to a performance anxiety therapist/coach and work on everything. I am working on myself and I am going to a far away place to do that. It is absolutely terrifying but it is the only way that I am ever going to live and be happy. Happiness is a by product of dealing with sadness. I know what makes me feel alive inside. I am going to chase my passions again.
I am not doing much else thrilling here in Arcadia and a change of scenery could be better. It shouldn't make me feel more lonely. The truth is with the rate of technology, getting connected is really at your fingertips. And making the time to see people. Otherwise we are each in our own universe. I could apply to work at gavert atelier but no singing to look forward to.
If I go to Taipei and later Miami it will force me to quit weed. It will force me to hunt for hair models, to make friends, take care of myself, and grow the fuck up. I grew up with so much anxiety that it turned to a general feeling of malaise. This is a self and personal journey more than anything else.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
dreams....
Today Laurie and I discussed the possibility of my moving to Miami to build a new life. To apprentice there and to train to sing. I could spend all my free time practicing and finding weekend or night gigs. Once there, I would really have to be aggressive about looking for models to cut hair. My whole life would change. This transition is hard. Sigh....
I'm a young tree that is still growing and needs more growing up to do to find happiness.
I'm a young tree that is still growing and needs more growing up to do to find happiness.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Trying to hang around a different crowd......
I still think I'm depressed. It's difficult to find cool people that have cool taste in music, fashion and film. Although I appreciate Jenny Mao, her friends and her boyfriend are really odd. I really don't mean to judge but it's odd. Genuinely......um, I think Jenny can do a lot better than her current boyfriend. Either that or I just have to get to know him better. I want to make sure he is good for her and a good fit. His friend Jennifer is SOOO fucking weird. Sigh... I really don't have that much time for other people. So far, Jenny is still kind but the places we hang at are strange. I think she's trying to please me. Maybe I should start picking the venues. Hahhaha. I think I will. Jay Chou by the way sucks. He says he's from China. What is going on? Investigate mutherfucka.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My thoughts lately...
I think I am experiencing a lot of anxiety because I don't know how to plan out my life right now.
I do need to talk to Laurie about my worries and concerns. I'm always talking about other people and their problems. The one thing I have committed myself to right now is getting exercise and it still feels like a lot of work. All I did was sign up for a trainer and paid to get someone else to help me reach my goal. And I could barely make it through the exercises that Russell's been giving me.
At this point, my concern is not about hanging around people and partying. I don't want to see Jenny or Kenny. That leaves me pretty much with no one. I sincerely do not want to hang out with Kenny. There is something wrong with him. He is way too spacey. And it annoys the shit out of me. He is socially retarded. And Jenny is getting old, her English is worse and she's mentally deteriorating. I have not seen her in awhile because none of us have been calling each other. I basically don't even think about her now or at least I don't allow myself to. I don't think I miss her really. I'm just not all that interested in hanging out with other people right now. The other people that I could be talking to frankly, I feel my role with them is because they want to talk therapy. I can't help Kenny, Jenny, and I cannot concern my matters too much with Kris, Linda and Jenny whom I'm barely getting to know. The only person I might try getting to know is someone out of this puny, sad social network that I currently have.
But I just don't want to hang out with anyone right now. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of choosing odd people and I'm afraid to make a new friend that isn't odd because that's my tendency. I think the only thing I care about right now is MYSELF.
Did I just write that? Yes. I am all about helping myself succeed. I am doing hair right now so I can allow myself to hangout with Emma and meet up with classmates like Justin or get to know Lydia. These are people I won't see very much of in my life so it's good to get in touch with others.
I am going to enjoy my time at home. I WILL purchase a flight to Florida to get some lessons. I can spend my time leisurely in Florida. Then I'll make a decision about what to do while I'm in Taiwan. Why not, I can even take a break and don't have to work immediately. I can take a year long break even if I want. It's my fucking life.
Oh, and right now I am truly considering laser hair removal. Why not? I've been spending so much on material things. I want to work on my physical health now and yes that involves beauty too that is not superficially altering.
So I'm going to fix the way I eat by having breakfast at the start of each day.
I do need to talk to Laurie about my worries and concerns. I'm always talking about other people and their problems. The one thing I have committed myself to right now is getting exercise and it still feels like a lot of work. All I did was sign up for a trainer and paid to get someone else to help me reach my goal. And I could barely make it through the exercises that Russell's been giving me.
At this point, my concern is not about hanging around people and partying. I don't want to see Jenny or Kenny. That leaves me pretty much with no one. I sincerely do not want to hang out with Kenny. There is something wrong with him. He is way too spacey. And it annoys the shit out of me. He is socially retarded. And Jenny is getting old, her English is worse and she's mentally deteriorating. I have not seen her in awhile because none of us have been calling each other. I basically don't even think about her now or at least I don't allow myself to. I don't think I miss her really. I'm just not all that interested in hanging out with other people right now. The other people that I could be talking to frankly, I feel my role with them is because they want to talk therapy. I can't help Kenny, Jenny, and I cannot concern my matters too much with Kris, Linda and Jenny whom I'm barely getting to know. The only person I might try getting to know is someone out of this puny, sad social network that I currently have.
But I just don't want to hang out with anyone right now. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of choosing odd people and I'm afraid to make a new friend that isn't odd because that's my tendency. I think the only thing I care about right now is MYSELF.
Did I just write that? Yes. I am all about helping myself succeed. I am doing hair right now so I can allow myself to hangout with Emma and meet up with classmates like Justin or get to know Lydia. These are people I won't see very much of in my life so it's good to get in touch with others.
I am going to enjoy my time at home. I WILL purchase a flight to Florida to get some lessons. I can spend my time leisurely in Florida. Then I'll make a decision about what to do while I'm in Taiwan. Why not, I can even take a break and don't have to work immediately. I can take a year long break even if I want. It's my fucking life.
Oh, and right now I am truly considering laser hair removal. Why not? I've been spending so much on material things. I want to work on my physical health now and yes that involves beauty too that is not superficially altering.
So I'm going to fix the way I eat by having breakfast at the start of each day.
SF
Well, I really wanted to blog about the places I went to while I was in SF but blogger.com was temporarily shut down.
Anywho....
Upon late Saturday night arrival, Kris took me to Mighty's to hangout at a hip hop club. I still had fun. We had vodka shots at a previous bar before we headed there. I drank on a fairly empty stomach and felt slightly sick since I smoked right before that. Win treated us to a bunch of shots. Nice. Hungout and chatted. Don't know what happened to Kris because it seems that we offended her and she was crying.
Sunday, we went to the Pulp Fashion exhibit to see some paper exhibit by Isobel someone. Met her friend Eric, a total gay fashionista. Had a croque monsier at the museum cafe. That was followed by a random vietnamese pho joint before we headed home, popped in Inception dvd and I passed out.
Monday, we went to the Fillmore to shop. We had lunch at Whitehouse and Irene joined us. I bought a dress at Jigsaw, a hippie metal & turquoise necklace and a stringy grey leather bracelet with tiny gold studs. It amounted to $400+ .... Kris decided to meet up with her family friend Weber so we had dinner at a tapas place called Barbacco Eno Trattoria. We went to Palomino later to hang with Irene's set of douchy party people. Yuck. It sucked. Home we went and chatted until 4am. Good lord.
Tuesday, we went to have brunch at Brenda's soul food. The beignets were delicious and scary because we tried the sampler. I ordered a salad with grilled chicken while Kris ordered the catfish poboy. The California Academy of Sciences and the Planetarium was soo awesome. We had Pizzeria Delfina's. Amazing margherita pizza, some strawberry prosseco slush drink and fried asparagus with parmasen cheese. Yum. Then I continued eating at home. Tons of Sans Rival filipino dessert cake. Followed by the rest of the leftovers from Brenda. So bad. Kris showed me her wardrobe collection. Very neat.
On Wednesday, we left the house late because I was dead tired. For lunch we went to Union Square and had a nice buffet at Amber India. We shopped at Jeremy's in South Park and I scored Chanel black ballet pumps and a Veda brown leather moto jacket. It had a slash on the right arm though. We went to Hayes but by the time we got there at 6:30 most of the shops had closed. For dinner we ate at Suppenkuche and had braised beef with cranberry sauce, with spatzle and I had a mixed beer drink. Mine was called the Radler I think (Helles with lemon soda). It was light and refreshing.
----
Back to today. What did I accomplish? Well, I had a cold cut subway and I tried to fix my leather jacket. Right next door was Boutique 5, a consignment and designer label store. I ended up purchasing an LV mini crossbody. It was the Saint Cloud in black epi leather. Although it was marked on sale for $350, I purchased mine in cash for $250. My offer was $200 to the seller but that's pretty much the cheapest going price on Ebay. I could have saved $50 but it's not so bad. I spent an average amount considering that I didn't pay for shipping and there was no tax.
I spent $1200+ on shopping. Eeek.
Jeremy's $512
Amber India $38.24
Suppenkuche $28.03
Pizzeria Delfina's $50
Palomino $16.76
Jigsaw dress $230
Woodhouse $24
Barbacco $32
Candystore Collective $130
Heidi says shoe $107
Bottega Louie macaroons git $45
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