Last night I stayed over at Jenny's and hung out at far bar and edison's.  Jenny found a small studio to move into and it's quaint and artsy.  We had a burger at far bar and Mike treated us to drinks.  Then off to Edison's and Seth gave us free drink cards. After that we hung out at Jeff's place for a bit.

This morning I had to recover from last's night drinking.  It was tough.  I had upset stomach, chills and a massive headache.  I also felt retarded for writing such a long fb message to pms boy.  Jenny made me realize that he doesn't care to do anything so I wasted my time and now I'm just the "crazy" control freak girl.  So I'm keeping busy with Jenny and getting over my being mildly hurt.

Carlene set me up on a double date with her friend Chris.  He's totally not my type nor do I want to hang or talk to him as a friend.  What's the point if you're not interested?

Carlene set me up on a blind date with her and henry

We went to Sushi Roku and Carlene and Henry treated me for my 31st birthday.  That was sweet of them. I feel bad because I was late and kept them waiting.  I was introduced to their pal Chris.  He is a nice guy but I am not attracted to him at all.  I think Carlene is a terrible match maker.  At least she tried to do something nice for me.

Earlier today I went to school late and Vidal Sassoon the man made an appearance for a book signing.

Well, I'm too tired from being high to type.  Good night.

In the end we can only focus on ourselves.....

Don't you worry about your psychotic roomie because you are wasting your time.  He is doing everything he wants to do and then some more, like ruining my life here.  I think there should be a song about the death of friendships after being roommates.  Nothing is easy and it takes tremendous commitment and emotional maturity on both sides for a relationship to work.  You have to deserve each other and be a person of integrity and capable of loving.  Only few people are capable of a great love.  The rest are psychotic narcissists and the mentally ill running around loose.

I should become friends with my therapist.

Anyways, here's what I have planned to say to him:

"You need to take care of yourself and I cannot cater to you anymore.  You probably won't meet another person here who knows what you're truly like outside of school and still puts up with it. Don't take any of this the wrong way as I know you don't respond well to conflict and/or communication.  If you want my honest opinion, I think silent friends are harmful to growth because their silence only perpetuate old, nasty patterns of behavior.  Just because you've been this way and your friends back home know this does not make it excusable.  I don't think you treat me well and trying to be your friend is frustrating and upsetting. I know my limits as a nice person.  You may have it in you to be a good friend, but if you care to have a friendship with me you have to respectfully earn it."

Discontented with life here

I feel the need to rant and vent.  My roommate is a mean jerk and I am an idiot for choosing to live with him.  Call it desperation or loneliness.  That was my choice and it wasn't the wisest.  I hate living with him and I hate his personality.  There is nothing beneficial about having this kind of friend and waiting for him to have his good moments.  I can't bother with it.  The friendship is pretty much over.  I am going to move on not waste anymore thought or energy.  Fuck I am depressed, should I get on Celexa again?

I have to admit that I fumbled onto personal stuff.  I feel sorry for him that he is the way he is.  He can't have quality and close relationships with anyone because he is not willing to reflect or make room for improvement for himself.  Leading a person astray into thinking that things are not over is pretty cruel and selfish.  Mainly it's to make himself feel better.  I think he is a hateful and ugly person inside out.  He is rude, moody, doesn't greet you or wait for you at school or inform you about anything.

Do not expect or hope for anything from this person.  Again, just focus on yourself.  No matter how flawed and fucked up he is, the sum of his actions will only result in you resenting him and getting hurt.  I would hate to be his girlfriend.  He left her and then he flirted with me.  Of course, he's an immature baby and retreated and stepped back from being nice.  He was only being nice to get what he wanted.  No more favors for this douche.  I want to understand why I spend so much time being upset and getting affected by his presence.  I just can't tolerate it.  I think I feel "sick" living with him.  I want to have meaningful, respectful and healthy friendships.  I don't think the answer is turning to medication.  After soiree (or if I don't do it), I'm going to exercise everyday.

Music is what saves me...

I am alive because of the gift of music.  It makes me alright and is an incredible distraction and place to go to.  It's my own Uni world that no one can get to be in but me.  I discovered a singer that I recently like, Nicole Atkins.

I think what I like about Kenny is his shared enthusiasm about looking for inspiration.  Just apply this for myself musically! :)   Nicole Atkins is inspired by David Lynch movies and his dream-like sequences and montages.  I'm interested in now figuring out what kind of artist and sounds, feelings, memories, state that I'm usually drawn to.  It's like sharing my own inner world to others.  The most intimate invitation to my sensitive and emotional world.

What if I can imagine up a fantasy world for myself?  Okay.

I move to Florida to take voice lessons for a year with Jeremy.  Meanwhile I can do my salon assistant/apprenticeship there while improving my voice and learning and studying music!!  Then I can move back to LA and work as a hairstylist and be part of the local music scene.  I will brave up and join some music groups.  Either I do that or stay in LA and work for Gavert Atelier.  Or research both.  That is annoying because I think it will take me a long time to figure out which stylists I like and want to work for.  You have to find someone whose work and aesthetic taste that you approve and think is cool.  I happen to think Mika is good.  But is my version of good conservative and boring to others?  And where do I stand in the standard of good taste and style?

Well I said it was fantasy.  But it's difficult to choose either because they are each difficult on their own.  Is it worth it to make such decisions based on my love for music?  I basically put music and singing on my first list of priorities.  Is that insane of me?  I think I was meant to be born and die for music.

To be honest, I think my depression began when I finally gave up on the dream of singing.  The musical part of me died and I felt robbed of joy.  I was unable to do it also because of my social anxiety/performance.  I wanted to cry so deeply because I  wanted it so much.  And I buried that desire and put it somewhere but my heart's always been in it.  I'm 30.  Is it too late to try?

I don't think I should question it anymore beacause it doesn't matter.  Nothing matters in the end so all the more to just say fuck it and go against the grain.  Especially if it's truly what you wish.  But you must pay a big price because like bryan said, most people don't realize what hard work it is.  it is complete dedication and commitment.  fuck, i want to do it.  i want to live for it.  i'm going to live my life as an artist and musician in regards to how i live and approach my life.  i don't need to strive to be famous but i will die if i do not live fully in my own version of a rock star.  it's like zooey deschanel who has an awesome attitude and says the stage is our playground.  i think she is inspiriing and positive and beautiful.

find inspiration.  keep finding what you love and what makes you consider this world beautiful, sad and in between.  open your heart to it.

maybe just go to florida for a month and keep practicing after that.  make the commitment to visit for lessons whenever possible.  right now, i can only make short-term goals.  no time for long term goals.  wow, this is called growing up.  growing up really sucks.  lol.

Carlene is setting me up on a double date this Fri

I cannot afford to waste my time on the wrong people.

I certainly have daddy issues and am always inclined toward those with unhealthy minds.  At the same time, I am also drawn to aloof men who are emotionally unavailable and poor communicators.  There is a sense of familiarity with this type of male and my hope that I can be the one to open them up and that they will change for me.  It is a kind of sick and twisted fantasy.  It may be that I'm also a very sensual being and my lack of receiving affection growing up has made me hunger for it even more.  I will go to lengths to be hopeful for the wrong person.  In a way I am satisfying my curiosity and challenge, but do I really need to do it?  I live with a child.  He is not my father but he is equally emotionally immature and instead of it being a turn off, I fantasize about the day that he will initiate something as there is some tension between us.  I could be wrong about now, but it used to exist.  The fact that he makes me feel insecure has part to do with the attraction.  So fucked up right?  If he gave me everything I wouldn't appreciate him.  Sigh.  I need to date a good man.

I'm going on a double date this Friday with Carlene and Henry.  Don't think too much.  Just do it.  Maybe even smoke a little pot beforehand.

Extremely stressed out

I woke up feeling super stressed.  I'm going to shower, clean up, take a walk to Izzy's for breakfast and then come back to study.  Never mind the pile of clothes I need to donate in the living room.  Get a chapter of something done so that you feel better.  Then find a yoga class or something soon.  Do some stateboard reading and then do some sassoon reading on color & cut.