I am alive because of the gift of music. It makes me alright and is an incredible distraction and place to go to. It's my own Uni world that no one can get to be in but me. I discovered a singer that I recently like, Nicole Atkins.
I think what I like about Kenny is his shared enthusiasm about looking for inspiration. Just apply this for myself musically! :) Nicole Atkins is inspired by David Lynch movies and his dream-like sequences and montages. I'm interested in now figuring out what kind of artist and sounds, feelings, memories, state that I'm usually drawn to. It's like sharing my own inner world to others. The most intimate invitation to my sensitive and emotional world.
What if I can imagine up a fantasy world for myself? Okay.
I move to Florida to take voice lessons for a year with Jeremy. Meanwhile I can do my salon assistant/apprenticeship there while improving my voice and learning and studying music!! Then I can move back to LA and work as a hairstylist and be part of the local music scene. I will brave up and join some music groups. Either I do that or stay in LA and work for Gavert Atelier. Or research both. That is annoying because I think it will take me a long time to figure out which stylists I like and want to work for. You have to find someone whose work and aesthetic taste that you approve and think is cool. I happen to think Mika is good. But is my version of good conservative and boring to others? And where do I stand in the standard of good taste and style?
Well I said it was fantasy. But it's difficult to choose either because they are each difficult on their own. Is it worth it to make such decisions based on my love for music? I basically put music and singing on my first list of priorities. Is that insane of me? I think I was meant to be born and die for music.
To be honest, I think my depression began when I finally gave up on the dream of singing. The musical part of me died and I felt robbed of joy. I was unable to do it also because of my social anxiety/performance. I wanted to cry so deeply because I wanted it so much. And I buried that desire and put it somewhere but my heart's always been in it. I'm 30. Is it too late to try?
I don't think I should question it anymore beacause it doesn't matter. Nothing matters in the end so all the more to just say fuck it and go against the grain. Especially if it's truly what you wish. But you must pay a big price because like bryan said, most people don't realize what hard work it is. it is complete dedication and commitment. fuck, i want to do it. i want to live for it. i'm going to live my life as an artist and musician in regards to how i live and approach my life. i don't need to strive to be famous but i will die if i do not live fully in my own version of a rock star. it's like zooey deschanel who has an awesome attitude and says the stage is our playground. i think she is inspiriing and positive and beautiful.
find inspiration. keep finding what you love and what makes you consider this world beautiful, sad and in between. open your heart to it.
maybe just go to florida for a month and keep practicing after that. make the commitment to visit for lessons whenever possible. right now, i can only make short-term goals. no time for long term goals. wow, this is called growing up. growing up really sucks. lol.
No comments:
Post a Comment