Feeling off

Totally feeling down.  I feel even more down when I talk to people who don't get me or aren't intuitive or clued in to my feelings.  Like my mom and Carlene.  When you feel misunderstood or like others can't relate to you, then you start to feel alien and then you want to shut yourself off from others.

I'm trying not to reach for a joint.  Maybe I should pass them out and give them away.

Ughh...today is tough.

Hung out during lunch with Lydia

I am definitely better than I was one year ago.  At least with my current mental state.  The only thing is that I've become a functional pothead and I don't practice singing ever.  It was quite an accomplishment that I'm starting to hang around people.  Being in school and smoking pot has pretty much desensitized my worries.  The only thing I'm struggling with is my overtime schedule but I want to make the best of it.

I had lunch with Lydia and got to know her a little.  She's a little all over the place and very ambitious.  My goal is to not smoke pot today.  I also need to start working out and singing again.  I'm going to try.  If I really need to smoke then I will just pull out my vaporizer.  There really is no need for me to be smoking joints and shit.  Kenny is a fucking idiot sometimes and I can't stand his lack of inner strength and direction.  He just comes off as not having a definite point of view, he's just not very discerning as a person.  Ugh.  He is one person I should stay away from.  Kris too.  Oh my goodness.  What is wrong with the poor girl?  She is all over the place!  Frantic, manic, a mess.  She makes me nervous because she talks at 100 mph and freaks out about everything.  I can't have a conversation with her without getting pissed off.  I thought she was tolerable when I was high but she is difficult even when I'm high.  It's kind of annoying that she thinks with all her thoughts out loud.  She shares her thinking process with everyone and it's a mess.  Not very comfortable.  And she has no manners when she talks like a bratty child.  My god.  I think I need to rearrange my life and have new friends.

I think I invite weird people into my life and I only hang out with people that have problems.  Urgh.  It's like I don't know how to be around normal, typical people.  I need to be around people that are more level headed and grounded.  My friends are a mess.  And I hang around them to distract me.

This weekend

Last night I met up with Jenny with the excitement and hope to hangout with Lydia.  It ended up not happening for whatever reasons that can't be explained.  Bummer.  She did make an attempt to stop by at a late hour but gave up soon and went home.  It just was not a good way to start a friendship or make a good impression.  I was pretty high and tired so I couldn't understand what Lydia was saying when I phoned her.

I drove home drunk because I didn't want to stay over at Jenny's.  Ended up finding a place to park and dozed off for a good hour before driving back home.  Suffered a hangover in the morning.  Picked Emma up to go to Urth Caffe and ran into Tina and her husband.  Weird.  Then got lit and went to Abbot Kinney to window shop.  We went to Von's and Rite Aid after.  I cooked steak and had steamed veggies.  Attempted to print my cutting notes at Kinko's but it didn't happen.  Went home, got lit again and talked to Kris for two long hours.

What a mild Sunday.  Not overly productive though.

Today I just feel insecure

I just feel like I'm not cool enough to be approached by him or something.  Or that he isn't all that interested in chatting with me.  I mean, Beatrice is the cool, stylish Asian here and I think most guys would be more interested in her than me.  That's just how I feel.  I could be wrong but it doesn't matter.

I think in the end, it's back to my priorities and my standing on my own again.

Personal Jesus

Do I have a spiritual discipline?  Do I need one?  I was just listening to Depeche Mode.  I like and admire Lydia and Eric.  They are good people with depth.  They have artistic souls and a real passion for beauty and truth.  I want to be friends with them.  It feels great when people you admire also want to get to know you. It's like you have some cosmic energy that pulls you together.  They seem to know what they want, they are opinionated and really know what makes the real "stuff" of life.

In a way, I really want to get to know and hang with them, but at the same time I'm also a bit scared.  What if they don't like me or I'm not interesting enough?  If they happen to be kind and good people, for what reason would they have to think you are uncool or dislike you IF you have done nothing wrong or nothing intentionally.  Think about it.  You have a good and valid reason to ask to hang with them.  Eric and Lydia, each of them has already invited you out!!  Not one on one....but you should say something.  Get to Lydia first.  Find out when we are going to hang or make the first move.  Maybe invite her out with Jenny since she is in DTLA!!  Besides, Jenny will do anything I want to do! =) Hahahah.  Okay, sounds like a plan!!

So here's the plan:

Saturday - pack for the weekend, shower and get ready!!  Get some weed from Kenny!  Hang with Jenny and invite Lydia
Sun- brunch with Emma, maybe go to Arcadia
Mon- hang with Kris

I'm stoked for such silly reasons.  Am I getting overexcited?  I can't help it.  I've dreamed of having the most amazing relationships with the right people and the right people seem to just ALIGN with me at the moment.  They are both undefined and have potential for something positive.  They are both light acquaintances that I want to get to know them.  One potential female friendship and one potential male friendship.  But since I admire and respect one of the opposite sex things get a little bit complicated.  I think Eric is a sensitive guy.  There is something about him....

Immerse

I want to immerse myself with music and books.  In a way I am quite like my maternal grandpa.  I like meeting people because I get to learn about them and wrap my head around new concepts, thoughts and ways of living. 

My short term crush (after all the straight guys at school) right now is Eric.  I don't even have his last name because we've only spoken a few times.  He invited me to go have a drink with him and his classmates.  Plus he asked me in advance too.  It was not a spur of the moment thing on the same day.  Sigh.  I really didn't pay him much attention at all.  Not even during the time that I was at school.  I was actually being comfortable with myself and not giving a shit about Aaron.  But I started thinking about him later this weekend when I had nothing else to do.  I had time to reflect and get an impression of him.

I find it incredibly sexy that he cooks and is a huge lover of post-punk music.  He is a gentleman.  He likes Otis Redding, Cornelius, Depeche Mode, and he told me about the music festival Lightning in a Bottle. 

Anyways, fuck Aaron.  I am going to be more productive and not smoke again.

Listening to Shuggie Otis

Honestly.... I am really curious about Eric now.  He has no facebook and I don't know his last name.  I have a good impression of him thus far.  I'm usually not that bad with character judgment.  He did invite me to join his classmates for a drink at a bar.  That was a friendly gesture.  Should I take it as a sign of something more?  Then Lindsey invited me to her birthday dinner.  I don't really know her either so I wonder if she is that casual or does she just want to get to know me?

I don't know what to think about anymore.  Daydreaming is fun.  The purpose is just to let the mind wander and dream up things.  LOL.  I need to get my head out of my arse!