He's going to help me come out of my shell....and keep my passion alive......

I got a Martin D-18 this week.  This is serious shit because it means I want something good.

Bryan is going to help me come out of my shell.  Anxiety is the killer of creativity.  I'm inspired by him and his passion, and his fearlessness.  He's my polar opposite and I'm hoping that he could rub some of his energy off on me.  He is actually a kind, polite person, has integrity, extremely talented and hot and passionate.  

I hope he is understanding and accepting of me.  Just be yourself.  

I'm going to tell him my desires.  Tell him that I am going to take over my own life and do what I really want.  He is the one that's gonna help me get to where I want.

I want to sound like an old soul/bluesy singer with amazing pipes.  I want to sing again.  So badly.

Don't harbor so much anxiety dear.  He basically tried to hint to you that he's interested in you.  He thinks you're a beautiful girl.  And he wants to teach you guitar for free.  There is nothing wrong with any of this.  It is actually quite sweet and a beautiful thing that music and goodness brings us together.

He likes you or is interested in getting to know you, and he wants to do something nice for you.  BELIEVE ALL OF THIS........take his word for it.  If he is not what he seems about, then you can worry about that later.  Take everything as it comes.  You'll be fine.  Just be yourself and be honest and kind.

Today is one of my happiest days! My life is about to begin....

The whole Cody thing was not going to work anyway.  He should know that it's nice enough that I even stick around as a friend because he is just this goofy, overexcited guy that gets out of control.  He really likes me I guess.


“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”


Well, I managed to work out an even better situation for myself.  I basically told Bryan that his passion is very inspiring and that I want to reconnect with music and teach myself guitar.  He offered to give me free lessons and said that he rarely turns down the opportunity to teach a beautiful girl.  OMG.  I never realized how attractive confidence could be to others....  


I am gonna make myself one sexy mutha fucker!  Exercise, diet, sing, guitar, hair.  My life is about to begin........

Cody

Does Cody still like me?  I know he's busy in school and it's been kinda established that I just want us to be friends.  I've been thinking about him though.  I'm not going to message him this weekend because he gave me a strange vibe.  After kindly refusing my invite, he "accidently" texted me late that night with the message meant for someone else.  That was awkward and felt intentional to me.  I don't have to do anything this week because I initiated the hangout.  It's his turn if he wants to hangout.  He said he was sorry that things didn't work out that weekend and that he missed me.

He's a dorky, caucasian, older Texan dude.  Smart, goofy, loving, but also nurturing and kind.  There was one moment when I looked at him and thought he had a nice face.  He's a huge electronica head.  I love that about him.  I also love that he's intelligent and worked in radio broadcasting as a producer for Clear Channel.  The downside is that he's on the heavy side and much older.  He may be good for me though.  I just don't know what I feel or what I want with him.  Cody Sekaly.  Uni Hsu.  My name is actually cute on print.  Sigh....  I really don't know what I want, but I'm tempted to give him a chance.  He turns 40 this year.  It just so happens that we went to school together.  It's just too random.....

I mean....shouldn't he be meeting women in their mid 30s......or other appropriate girls that he would date?  Shouldn't I be doing the same?  But there's no one and I'm not searching at the moment.

Striving for my best self

I don't know if I am projecting today because when I'm at the Music Center, the staff and people make me feel like a loser.  I can't stand the mainland Chinese guy there, I can't stand Aileen's nervous smiling face and yet unfriendliness.  I'm not making a point to initiate anymore discussion because she is not showing any interest in getting to know me or catching up.  It is rude and she has a problem.  Same with Sam Hooper.  He is just so darn forthcoming blunt.  Next time I am not talking at all or disclosing anything.  I may have to find another place to study at.  There I said it.   Those people suck.  I think I should just go to someone else.  He barely showed any interest in helping me progress.  If the second lesson doesn't go well then I'm going to quit.  FUCK THEM.

In other areas, I'm going to be consistent everyday with my goals.  

1) Wake up earlier

2) Go to gym and train with Russ 3x a week:  M W F

3) Go running with Janet once a week.  Take a dance class once a week.  T Th

4) Practice singing to JS (before noon then lunch)

5) Guitar practice

6) Keyboard practice

7) Stateboard & Nick Education

I went to Best Buy and bought an ipod nano and Bose IE2 ear phones to work out to.  The total came out to $254.60.  Boy, I don't even flinch nowadays with money.  Not sure that's a good thing.  Tomorrow, I've got my heart set on a Martin D-18.  Eeek!

What I am doing now

I went to the gym and had a 1-hour workout.  It was tiring because I later realized that it was my first day period.  Also, I was a little bothered because Russ does get involved with his clients interpersonally.  At the end of our session he introduced me to his other client who is a hair stylist.  She was not very friendly even though I introduced myself and told her how Russ mentioned that she is his most fit client.  She didn't even try to talk to me or anything.  She was dressed in regular clothes and it looked like they were about to have lunch together.  I dunno what the heck happened.  I saw her checking out my hair and I don't think she liked the way I comfortably interacted around Russell.  Whatever, that was weird.  I am not responding to any of Russell's texts anymore if it has nothing to do with scheduling or time conflicts.  I'm just going to concentrate on my workouts and focus.  Less clowning around because I don't think he's interested.  Maybe he likes white girls.  Who cares?  But next time he gives me a medicine ball I'll think of bashing it into his face, his client's face or Jenny the freeloader bitch.

At least I practiced singing to JS' tape lesson.

Then I signed up for my first guitar lesson with Sam Hooper.  Tomorrow I'll exercise, play keys (if I feel well) sing, and mess with the guitar.

Music purchases:

My $14 trial lesson
Otis Redding
Primal Scream

There is a goal to keep in mind.  Every exercise he gives you.  Remember it.  Don't make small talk with him anymore.  Just focus on form and fitness.  If he tries to joke around with you or talk just say you're trying to focus on the exercise.  Men... they are fucking weird.  First he texts me, for what reason I don't know and then sometimes he doesn't respond to my messages.  And then Cody, fucking weird.  Decides to back off on coming out, lies about having stuff to do, and then sends a message to me at 3am to make me jealous or I dunno what.  I don't trust men and I'm done with them.  How many sessions do I have left?  Basically, I'm just going to finish and then move to Miami and find a new trainer.  Or, I'll find a new trainer at LA Fitness, a female so there can be less distraction.  I'm looking for a personal trainer that is serious and where there is a good boundary of social interaction.  No physical contact.

I'm fortunate lately

I'm fortunate that I found a friend in Cody and Linda.  Los Angeles can be so darn cold full of flakey, superficial people.  Right now I am 31.  Cody is right about the clock ticking and a friend will tell you that. He's the brother I never had.  We went hiking today at two different trails in Malibu and then had seafood dinner with wine.

My decision to move to Miami, Florida has much to do with my desire to pursue singing and hair.  I am going to work in a salon during the day, take voice lessons in the evening, exercise and spend the rest of my time learning keyboards/electronica.  Sure my weekends may be lonely, but that's what a weed vaporizer is for initially.  Soon after I will make friends and lovers.  This is a chance to really grow up on my own.  Miami is a cheap place to live, great music, great vibe.  Everything is going to be scary but in order for change and growth to occur, the risks must be taken and prepared in advanced.

Memorial Weekend

So....I gathered the courage to invite Lydia and Cody to see Bryan Baker perform (originally at The Viper Room but changed to The Central - S.A.P.C. in Santa Monica).

Turned out awesome.  Each of them wanted to partner up with me musically.  I think I have suddenly become cool to these two people.  It's a great feeling to know that Lydia really likes me and Cody, well, he expressed it.  I didn't really get a chance to catch up with BB but he looked exhausted and sweaty anyway.  Besides I was next to Cody and who knows what he thought of the older white guy.  He saw my John Lee Hooker shirt and Cody's Boards of Canada shirt.  Cool enough for him to ask us to suggest opening bands for him if we know any.  Yeah, I rocked that weekend!

Lately, my trainer Russ has been giving me a little more attention than I think a trainer would.  Although everything is very, very subtle and only regarding exercise related stuff.  Though he did give me a nickname...Space Cadet.  And then he apologized if it offended me and seemed really worried about it.  He also commented on a photo of mine on FB saying that it was his fave.  And then he texted me to joke about one of his training videos and whether I thought the music was overly dramatic.

I think Kris' friend Win, has some kind of interest towards me but he's in the bay area and Kris would disapprove of it.

So now....  I'm just bored and doing nothing.  I'm going to the gym everyday and I'm going to eat right.  No matter what it takes, I'm going to force myself to eat right.  I think I need a nutritionist.  I will ask for Linda's help.  I think I need her help.