BB is still who he is....

...which is a snob and being aloof.  there isn't enough warmth, he isn't personable.  I NEED that in a guy.  cody doesn't like him.  i mean, i had anxiety being around him.  that's not a good sign.  it's kind of like the feeling that my dad was never really available for me, emotionally... that was when he was self absorbed in his own shit.  the few times he was around, he did care but he did it in such an authoritative and softmanner that made it cold.  bb is basically cold and sinister.  that is his altar ego.  but that stems from some kind of insecurity or inferiority complex.  what is it?  i should ask him more about him....that is if i ever talk to him again.  i definitely won't be the one reaching.  i won't ask him for any guitar questions.  he wasn't interested in responding to my last message, what the fuck.  he's got a girlfriend or some thang he found only in a couple weeks.  i'm not impressed and i'm not an insecure girl that falls for that kind of shit. i'm so much better than that.  i have way much more appeal and a lot more to give.  his singing is kind of terrifying.  weird and you can't understand what he's saying.  he's good at expressing anguish, sensuality and sexuality, angst, and a very soft vulnerability.  so soft that you know he's got issues.  he's the insecure one.  that is his developmental tendency.  which brings me to question, at what age does our personality, tempermanent and tendencies form?  we have dispositions, we may just be fated for certain things.  but have some effect, power over it, even by manipulation.  btw, him trying to be sexy is weird.  having so much testosterone and masculiness in today's modern world is kind of different.  so sexual and angry.....sexually angry?  there is definite talent to be recognized, but in the guitar playing.  not the singing or his appeal as an individual or person.  he is impersonal and souless because his emotioins are either dark angry or very vulnerable.

we are still who we are.....when we knew each other.  was it awkward?  it was a little....

some friends take awhile for you to get to know....some you have to be kind with.  i will just be a "friend."

kevin was discussing about what makes a great voice...he thinks it's the combination of both sad and happy that is in there.  you need a good soul to be a singer.  i think that is what it is.  even though with amy winhouse she was a lost soul, but still good at heart.

when i get an impression of bryan...the first one is a guy that doesn't look like he has money or comes from privilege or a family of class.  he is insecure about that.  we are from different worlds.  we don't know each other that well but we are curious about each other.  there needs to be an honest vulnerability.  he is not a flexible singer or a flexible person.  you have to have that as a singer.  rarely can you be equally good at both.

Take it for what it's worth

Yes....it took forever to finally get a lesson.  Meanwhile, he flirted and while I was in Miami he hooked up with a girl.  Good for him.  I'm getting something out of today and all I have to do is be pleasant, kind, honest and myself.  All I have to do is observe.  He is anxiously waiting for me.  Think of it that way.

Today the goal is to get something from the lesson and tell him my goals.  Maybe even smoke a little hybrid just to relax.  Maybe even mention that we are getting to know each other.  Cuz honestly, no other guy from LAMA (that I know) has invited me out to have coffee other than Tony and some Korean dude.  They all had crushes on me.  So don't get affected by his behavior.  You are the queen, the girl that he's always been curious about.  With the hybrid just two puffs will be enough.

I don't like him

Yeah, BB.  He's a flakey guy and an arrogant, self-absorbed musician that sings with no soul.

Who the hell drags a lesson plan forever and then has the balls to flirt with you.  It leaves the other person feeling like shit.  It took nearly 3 weeks to plan for lessons and then he tells me that next week is better.  Who the fuck does he think he is?  I am not going to take this crap and wait for him.  I am not going to be a stupid groupie girl and be subservient to him.  He is too much of a manly ass for me to deal with.

down

Yeah...I'm feeling down today.  I don't know if it's because of all the weed that I've been smoking from last night, but I feel pretty let down by Bryan.

I don't think I like him or his personality as I communicate with him more.  He comes across as insincere and selfish.  I told him that he was inspiring and great and he offered to teach me for free.  But then he drags it on and gets flakey so I can't hold him accountable.  It's a favor he's doing for me but it puts me in a subservient position where I have to wait on him and the longer I wait, the less interested I am to hang out with him.  I didn't enjoy communicating with him when we met up last year.  He's serious, aloof and pretentious almost.

Words are all I have to judge you by when I'm getting to know a person.  I can easily forget a person's words and actions, but impressions stay with me for a long time and I rarely forget how a person made me feel.  

He's going to help me come out of my shell....and keep my passion alive......

I got a Martin D-18 this week.  This is serious shit because it means I want something good.

Bryan is going to help me come out of my shell.  Anxiety is the killer of creativity.  I'm inspired by him and his passion, and his fearlessness.  He's my polar opposite and I'm hoping that he could rub some of his energy off on me.  He is actually a kind, polite person, has integrity, extremely talented and hot and passionate.  

I hope he is understanding and accepting of me.  Just be yourself.  

I'm going to tell him my desires.  Tell him that I am going to take over my own life and do what I really want.  He is the one that's gonna help me get to where I want.

I want to sound like an old soul/bluesy singer with amazing pipes.  I want to sing again.  So badly.

Don't harbor so much anxiety dear.  He basically tried to hint to you that he's interested in you.  He thinks you're a beautiful girl.  And he wants to teach you guitar for free.  There is nothing wrong with any of this.  It is actually quite sweet and a beautiful thing that music and goodness brings us together.

He likes you or is interested in getting to know you, and he wants to do something nice for you.  BELIEVE ALL OF THIS........take his word for it.  If he is not what he seems about, then you can worry about that later.  Take everything as it comes.  You'll be fine.  Just be yourself and be honest and kind.

Today is one of my happiest days! My life is about to begin....

The whole Cody thing was not going to work anyway.  He should know that it's nice enough that I even stick around as a friend because he is just this goofy, overexcited guy that gets out of control.  He really likes me I guess.


“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”


Well, I managed to work out an even better situation for myself.  I basically told Bryan that his passion is very inspiring and that I want to reconnect with music and teach myself guitar.  He offered to give me free lessons and said that he rarely turns down the opportunity to teach a beautiful girl.  OMG.  I never realized how attractive confidence could be to others....  


I am gonna make myself one sexy mutha fucker!  Exercise, diet, sing, guitar, hair.  My life is about to begin........

Cody

Does Cody still like me?  I know he's busy in school and it's been kinda established that I just want us to be friends.  I've been thinking about him though.  I'm not going to message him this weekend because he gave me a strange vibe.  After kindly refusing my invite, he "accidently" texted me late that night with the message meant for someone else.  That was awkward and felt intentional to me.  I don't have to do anything this week because I initiated the hangout.  It's his turn if he wants to hangout.  He said he was sorry that things didn't work out that weekend and that he missed me.

He's a dorky, caucasian, older Texan dude.  Smart, goofy, loving, but also nurturing and kind.  There was one moment when I looked at him and thought he had a nice face.  He's a huge electronica head.  I love that about him.  I also love that he's intelligent and worked in radio broadcasting as a producer for Clear Channel.  The downside is that he's on the heavy side and much older.  He may be good for me though.  I just don't know what I feel or what I want with him.  Cody Sekaly.  Uni Hsu.  My name is actually cute on print.  Sigh....  I really don't know what I want, but I'm tempted to give him a chance.  He turns 40 this year.  It just so happens that we went to school together.  It's just too random.....

I mean....shouldn't he be meeting women in their mid 30s......or other appropriate girls that he would date?  Shouldn't I be doing the same?  But there's no one and I'm not searching at the moment.