Hum. I'm not happy lately and neither do I want to complain about it. I'm trying to avoid sinking into self-pity and trying to be grateful. But maybe I am not a grateful person. By saying that, do I mean that I am suffering from some kind of low-self esteem that still stems from my social anxiety? Am I still not giving myself enough credit for my abilities or am I just plain lazy and suffering from it? What do I need to do to find happiness?
Do I as a person need to earn for what I already have?
Some things I'm not thrilled about lately:
1) I still have no idea if I want to do hair and I'm lazy and uninspired to do the work. I still haven't figured out that possible career path. I don't want to waste anymore time.
2) I need to be rescued from my lonely life
3) I'm sexually frustrated and desire a good man in my life. That person is not here. Yet I find myself having to use male substitutes in my current life to fill in that fantasy. I am so great at fantasizing. Add some pot to the mix and I can settle less or tolerate a guy that I'm neutral about. But there's a huge deficit of potential mates at this point. Embarrassed to say, right now it's my buddy Aaron. I am not physically attracted to him. He's scrawny, weird facial structure, fobby and has no class. His Singaporean gangster vibe and feminine tendencies turn me off. But emotionally I am connected to him. I have no clue what I feel for him or what he may feel for me. It probably doesn't matter that much. This is my mind's way of helping me to escape from my empty and meaningless life. And maybe I am blaming others for not fulfilling that need. I need to take responsibility for my own feelings and not blame others. Expectations of others is not a good thing. Just think...what would I do without others?
4) I think pot is ruining my productivity. But I am sick and tired of my life and don't think I can stand this same bullshit everyday at Sassoon Academy. I learned SHIT at this school. I think the quality of education blows. I'm tired of tolerating and putting up with my annoying classmates. Justine's voice is fucking annoying. Tiffany is irritating and emotionally immature and just downright dumb. Both of them are extreme white trash. Lexi is a major bossy bitch. She also has a oblong face and big head and proportionally weird facial features. Cara just looks like a crackhead that makes it to class everyday. Kudos to her for making it. Sarah is just a girlie girl that gets irritating with her uncomplicated mind but her taste is so conventional and goody goody. She has no real edge. Raphael is too soft and snotty at first impression. He can cater to the rich and frou frou and will probably do fine. Justin. Well I respect him. Nothing to dislike about him except that he really knows how to kiss ass. Maybe I wish I had an ounce of his salesmanship. I don't really connect well with the girls in class. I have no beef with Tarran. She is the neutral one of the group. Aaron is moody and snarky and cynical, but he's artsy in experimental and edgy inspired concepts. Oh and there's Racquel who I couldn't think of until last because we hardly see her. I used to think she was an annoying bitch but since I've figured out that that is her own problem (pity her) she is neutral in my book again. On the flipside, knowing what a person is like in the end lessens the whole social anxiety bit.
I think I should just show up and continue being a pothead. I should really think about what is important to me and my life. Once I figure out what that is I need to set out a plan to live that way. Whatever is getting in the way or blocking me I must remove it or learn to live more fully and uninhibited.
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