I live with the enemy :(

So I moved out of my place in Santa Monica and I now live with Aaron.  He upsets me.  Living with him makes me feel like shit about myself.  It's like having social anxiety part two.  I'm too sensitive and I take things so personally.  I need to explore what I am feeling because my goal is to move beyond it with the aid of therapy.  Can I practice my therapy while I am in this miserable place?

I am miserable living here.  I have terrible anxiety with Aaron.  Why can't I just not care and say fuck it?  Yes Uni...

Fuck it.

You only live once and you live for nobody but YOURSELF.  You have no time to think about or consider other people because you are out to make the world for yourself.  It doesn't even matter what they think.  You can only be yourself.

I can go on and on for reasons that Aaron is an idiot and downright uncool.  And it doesn't matter what he is.  I can name other reasons that most other guys would love me and find me adorable.

I guess I'm hurt because he doesn't want me that way anymore.  And he's no longer kind and sweet to me.  And I guess everyday I hope that he's just pretending that he's not interested.  I guess things can quickly become irrelevant when he changes his mind.  I want him to want me.  Sigh.

I may need to get on antidepressants again.  It's either that or spend most of my time with my mom and brother while they are around LA.  I think the second one sounds like a better idea.

It is now 7:09pm.  I'm going to shower, eat and then go over state board and nothing else.

Tomorrow I will be ready for Locks for Love.  I'm going to wake up my usual time and leave the house at 8:10am.  Which means that I'll just wake up at 7:30 or 7:40 am the latest.

I think Aaron is very blunt with me and I take it badly.  He says that Emma is using me and ditches us when her boyfriend is around.  I don't really care.  Just another person to hang with I guess.  People can't always be loyal and close.  They are social friends.

Aaron and I are more than social friends.  We are actual friends.  But it is highly unlikely for a romance to bud.   I have a feeling that it would be a disaster.

I need someone kind and generous without secretiveness and a grudge.  I am not longing or fantasizing or escaping.  I am sticking to business.

Finish showering and blow dry by 8:15pm.
Eat salad and replenish liquids.
Study state board materials.
Snack.  Go to sleep.