I need to know what is wrong with me for having a pattern of choosing odd, unsuitable partners to be with. I'm afraid that I will not have enough time to get my shit together and that I will be old while everyone else has settled.
Why am I having strange feelings for someone unlikely and someone that I didn't have a good impression of to begin with? Getting to know him is difficult and even though he is a friend, he is just insensitive and blunt. He's not what I normally find physically attractive and he's secretive. But emotionally there is some compatibility. He treated me sweetly and I was happy. It was simple. I think he changed his mind after. But I think I'm going to have to face the fact that he won't treat me like this ever again. Once he makes a decision it is set and fixed in. And he doesn't express his feelings, thoughts. I will never know what he feels or thinks. I'm lonely and I want to be wanted by someone. I need to forget him.
After mock board, I'm going to schedule an appointment with Laurie.
He talks with a frown on his face most of the time. Very serious, frowns a lot, explains things in a hurried impatient manner, and he's just a skinny guy. When he gets cute, he wants to raid my closet and belongings and get cuddly on the couch. The next time he is in a cuddly mood I should just be moody and do my own thing. How many times have I been in an kind, friendly, upbeat state and he's just brooding? I do not have to consider him AT ALL. End of story.
Fuck. I am wasting time.
Basically, he hit a very sensitive, troubled spot in my heart today.
He asked me what sort of jobs and years of experience I previously had. I had very little. And he replied, "I knew it!" Then he asked what I studied and I said music. And he asked if I ever worked in the music industry? And I said... I considered it before but decided that only money could be made in the artistry and teaching side of it. I said that I only dated people that worked in the industry. Then he just said, "no, I'm asking if you did it?" And I said no and that I don't want to talk about it.... Then I was in a horribly, sad mood and I ended up bottling up in my room. Feeling embarrassed about my accomplishments and also feel like a loser to him. And I'm smoking again. I have so little guidance and drive and I'm not excited about what I'm doing. I should be preparing for graduation and my license but I'm not.
Sigh.
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